Archive for the Thought-Provoking Political Insight Category

I KNOW VERY FEW THINGS.

Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight, Up-to-the-minute Scientific Breakthroughs on August 1, 2009 by butthorn

I have few concrete opinions, and it bothers me a little bit sometimes.  Not that I really want opinions; it just makes it easier to have conversations with those people you occasionally come across who seem to want to talk about smart stuff.  Man, what’s the deal with those pricks, anyway?

My guts squash themselves into a tubey, spluttering fist whenever anyone starts talking about politics, because it basically means that unless I can get away with remaining completely silent, I am going to have to reveal to everyone present that I am an unintelligent person.  I do not know what any of the people in the White House do.  Here, let me try to figure it out just relying on the knowledge I have in my brain.

POLITICS FACTS:

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Goes on TV and tries to calm everybody down.

VICE PRESIDENT: Gets made fun of.

SECRETARY OF STATE: Answers phone and types up documents for PRESIDENT.

CONSTITUTION: Old bossy paper.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Had a beard and a jaunty top hat.  Freed the slaves.  Said that “fourscore and seven years ago” thing.  Is the only statue that gets to sit down.  Got his head blown off when he was out trying to have a nice time at a show.  Had a wife that freaked everybody out for some reason.  Is on a crappy coin and an okay bill.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: The first president there ever was.  Had white Princess Leia hair and was always very serious; a real party pooper.  Stood up on a boat and got painted, which is very American, if vain and unsafe.  Chopped down a cherry tree and invented accountability shortly thereafter.  Is on an okay coin and a crappy bill.  Had an ass that wouldn’t quit.

BEN FRANKLIN: Said a bunch of smart stuff.  Wrote with a fancy pen made out of a bird feather.  Had cool John Lennon glasses and invented lightning.  Smelled like spoiled generic whipped topping after a few days without a bath.  Is on a way better bill than those other two guys despite the fact that he gleefully employed slaves and remained seated on unpainted boat trips.

DEMOCRACY: Find out who your wife wants you to vote for and try not to forget before going into the booth.  Good opportunity to reacquaint oneself with the folksy activity of pencil-using.  Ideal occasion to practice your “smug satisfaction” face.  Enjoy free sticker.

You get the picture.  You better, anyway.  Because those are all the political terms I know.  I cannot talk to you about the war in Iraq, or at least not in such a manner that it results in an enlightening or even coherent discussion.  My rule about the Iraq War is I talk disparagingly of it when in the company of people my age and younger, and reverently, if at all, with anyone who looks to have been born before 1965.  Under no circumstances do I myself introduce the topic.  I don’t have any answers; I’m just trying to maintain a workable level of comfort.  It feels like discussions concerning current events are often one step away from people just angrily jerking off in each other’s faces.  That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it out.  Here is my impression of every discussion involving important matters that anyone has ever had:

PERSON ONE: I think this!

PERSON TWO: I think this!

PERSON ONE: Well, I think this!

PERSON TWO: But I think this!

PERSON ONE: Well, you’re stupid!

PERSON TWO: No, you’re stupid!

PERSON ONE: You’re ignoring facts!

PERSON TWO: Well, you’re hurting my feelings!

PERSON ONE: I’m upset!

PERSON TWO: Me, too!

PERSON ONE:  Aaauggh!

PERSON TWO: Blaaaaaugghh!

PERSON ONE: HOOOOLARRGRGRGGAGGAH!

PERSON TWO: PLARGARGGARGAAAGAGGUAGAGGGUH!

PERSON THREE: Hey, I’m trying to watch “The Wraith” over here!

PERSON ONE AND TWO: HOOLARGARUGUHUGUGUHBUHPUHGUHUGUHGUUUUHHHH!

A good way to make sure that no one’s feelings get hurt and that people can hear “The Wraith” is to only ever talk about pizza.  Everybody likes pizza.  Anyone who says they don’t like pizza is probably a congressman and they get paid to disagree.  They’re just trying to do their job, but you should stop being friends with them because they’re going to ruin all of your nice times.  And for heaven’s sake, don’t talk about toppings; that’s asking for trouble.  Just say “Pizza, mmmmmm!” and allow several seconds for everyone else in the room to say “Mmmmm!” as well.  You have now had a nice friendly chat with friends and you should feel good about that.

I also don’t know much about science:

THE SUN: Hot thing that hurts my eyes.  Probably killing everyone.  Coming here, doot’n doo-doo.

BIOLOGY: Hard thing that I failed.  Involves frogs.

GEOLOGY: Looking at rocks tells you that things are old.

PLANTS: Green things all over the place that don’t do much.  Good with dip.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Smartest guy who ever lived, but comparisons to him directed at you are somehow rarely complimentary.  Had a silly hairdo.  Said that “e=mc squared” thing, whatever good that does anybody.

NOVA: Show about science that is good to watch because maybe they’ll show the sex one where they go up the guy’s dink.  Just make sure you shut it off before the baby part at the end.  Vaginas aren’t supposed to look like that, doot’n doo-doo.

TEST TUBES: Glass things that hold science waters.  Test tubes are as science as it gets.

FULCRUMS: Thing that the seesaw seesaws on.  Not sure what it has to do with science, but I remember it being an answer on a science test once.  Good with dip.

MITOCHONDRIA: The only word I remember from high school science class.  I don’t know what it is but I bet you my nonexistent life savings that I don’t wanna hear about it.  A helpful term to keep handy if someone is looking at you expectantly after having said a string of nonsense words and you want them to know that you understand that they are attempting to talk to you about science but you don’t necessarily want to continue the conversation.

CHEMICALS: The number two most scientific thing after test tubes.  Chemicals are science waters that burn your skin and kill you if you drink them.  You’re better off just pouring them into test tubes and pretending to find them interesting while thinking about boobs and what’s on TV tonight.  Not sure why Albert Einstein invented these.

MICROSCOPES: Oh wait, microscopes are the number two most scientific things.  Chemicals are number three.  Microscopes are really the only good thing about science, because they turn everything into a huge monster.  Only problem with microscopes is they’re kind of a lie, because if you look at salt under a microscopes, it’s a bunch of squares, and that isn’t true.  Salt isn’t squares, microscopes; you’re thinking of ice cubes.

EMERGENCY EYEWASH STATION: Where you should go when you get science in your eyes.

NEWTON: A guy who sat under a tree and an apple fell on his head and for some reason that made him realize that people can’t fly off into space.  I like to think that before that seemingly unrelated realization he yelled something fancy and old-timey like “Ow!  What in the blasted devil donnigans?!” and stood up and tried to throw the apple at the tree trunk in anger, but missed and chucked it several feet into the grass, which wasn’t nearly as satisfying, and he got up to go get the apple and try again, but couldn’t find it.  Then his pants fell down and he tripped and hit his head on a rock and he farted but it was really a poop.  Then a bunny peed on his face and a stag had sex with him then puked on his back.

GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER: The black guy you learn about in school that isn’t Martin Luther King.  You don’t get a day off on his birthday, but he invented peanut butter, so it almost evens out.

THE KREBS CYCLE: Water falls out of the clouds, then you drink it, pee it, it goes down into the sewer, back up into tree trunks where it gets sucked out through the leaves and shot back up into the clouds again.  The ocean doesn’t get to be part of the Krebs Cycle because you can’t drink the ocean.  God just made the ocean to be weird.  Thankfully this cycle only applies to water and not food.  The world is gross enough as it is, am I right?

ANIMALS: Cute furry things that either want to kill you or entreat you to try and pull a disgusting, drool-drenched stick out of their mouth.  Good with barbecue sauce.

CARL SAGAN: Science guy who liked making stuff up about space in a relaxing voice.  If you’re gonna hang out with a science  guy, you could do worse.  Probably dead, or, failing that, wicked baked.

NASA: Tons of science guys who somehow know how to build huge rockets and shoot them up into space with guys in them.  NASA is interesting because they float around and eat food that is different from the food you or I eat.  If you want a job at NASA you should ask for the job where you get to ride cool rides, not the one where you sit around looking at computers.

DIARRHEA: A type of crapping that is very scientific.  Hard to spell.

That’s it for science.  And I don’t even want to get into math; fuck that shit in the ass with a dick.  Throw it into the trash can.  I do math all day at work, and it never gets any more interesting.  The only math I like is the math I use to buy McDonald’s with.  Greenbacks, baby.  Mucho dinero.  Wallet math, that’s what I call it.  Otherwise, math can hit the road.  I don’t even wanna do a silly list about it.

The point of this blog is I don’t know anything, but neither does anyone else.  Religion is stories from old books that make people less scared of dying and science is people looking real closely at the weird stuff going on around us and concocting an uncertain if brilliant narrative to try and pretend like humankind has any control over any of this shit.  I still haven’t figured out what politics is, other than three or four more channels that aren’t showing cartoons.  In any event, nobody has any idea what they’re talking about, so why not either settle down and enjoy one another’s company or at the very least admit that “intelligent discussions” are little more than an opportunity to impress bystanders and/or make someone else feel stupid.  Virtually nothing else has ever been accomplished through the act of speaking.  I say get out of bed, make some pals and be good to them, and enjoy the nonsensical, potentially devastating ride.  And if you figure something profound out along the way, well, you’re probably drunk.  Lay off the sauce, Plato.

That’s all for today, dummies!  Ciao!

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THIS SHIT AGAIN.

Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight on October 7, 2008 by butthorn

All right, let’s see what these two products have to sell us tonight.  I’m joining the second Presidential debate slightly in progress because I ate some pretty old pizza for supper and at 8:56 PM I had to go to the bathroom where I shat out something that felt like boiling oatmeal and looked like I dropped a Manwich in the toilet, yet was relatively odorless.  So let’s see what I missed while grunting out pooeys in the water closet…oh my God, McCain died!  How awful.  Nah, actually he’s sassing Tom Brokaw  at the moment.  McCain has a scary deadpan.  He’s a pretty frightening guy, even when mentioning eBay.  Why did he mention eBay?  All right, let’s check out the ties.  I’m trying to wrap my mind around Obama’s tie here.  It’s pretty wide.  Looks polka-dotted, but with very tiny white dots.  Obama is not answering this question!  He didn’t say who he wanted to appoint for whatever it was Tom Brokaw said.  Arrrggghh.  I worry that they write out their answers ahead of time and utilize them regardless of the questions.  It would be so hard to be in a debate.  I was always kind of in awe of kids who were on the debate team. Well, our school didn’t actually have a debate team, but we did have a speech team, and sometimes when we went to “speech meets” with other schools, we’d bump into kids who were also on the debate team.  I can prattle on about subjects I’m “smart” about indefinitely, but if there’s a subject being discussed that I know nothing about, I can’t even begin to pretend.  I kind of wish one of these guys would just say “I have absolutely no idea” every now and then.  Maybe they have at other public events and I just haven’t seen or heard about it.  Fanny May is a dumb name for a mortgage company.  Hey, I just learned that it’s based on the acronym for Federal National Mortgage Association!  FNMA = Fannie Mae (and not May, it turns out)!  Well, wowie zowie ding dong!  I love learning!  Not really!

Now what’s going on?  And what was that point I was going to make about debate team kids?  Was it anything?  Aw, this woman is so nervous and angry asking this question about how can we possibly trust either of these guys with their money in light of the current economic situation.  I love that woman.  That question took guts.  I didn’t realize the economy problems were these two guys’ faults.  Huh!  Well, those jerks!  I better go with my original plan and do a write-in vote for Delroy Lindo.  Did these people think up these questions themselves or have they been assigned?  Anyway, I don’t envy Obama having to answer this, and I also can’t pay attention to him answering this.  It seems sort of insulting that the candidates are insistent on referring to that woman’s questions as “cynicism”, though I can’t put my finger on why.  It’s like they’re telling her she should work on her attitude.  

What would I ask these guys, if I could ask them anything?  I have no idea.  Isn’t that awful?  It seems like I should have something snap right to mind, and for the life of me I really don’t know what I’d ask.  The sad thing is I’d probably try to think of something funny, cause how often you do get an audience that big?  Maybe I’d just ask “Could one of you please explain all this to me?”.  That seems reasonable.  

If I stare at Tom Brokaw really hard and then close my eyes, I can still see him.  What if he never leaves?  What if from now on whenever I close my eyes, there’s Tom Brokaw, silently asking me a question about the economic crisis?  What if I don’t want that to be my life?  

Let me ask my wife how this debate is going, she should know.  Oh, wife?:

“It’s alright.”

Thanks, wife!  We’ll have more insightful commentary like that from Annie later in the blog as the debate progresses!  Oh wait, she wants me to add now that “A more accurate answer would be ‘I don’t know’ “.  Man, if she doesn’t know, I’m never gonna figure it out.  Yuck, I have a really long hair growing out of my ear!  Uggh!  And I’m gonna keep playing with it, I know it, I know me!  I need to trim it with the nose hair trimmers but I don’t want to go get them.  I bet I thought to touch my ear because of all the mentioning of “earmarks” going on.  I still don’t know what those are.  Hey, did you know the Monopoly thing has started up at McDonald’s again?  I can’t believe it’s been a year already.  

John McCain really likes stripey ties.  This one is better than the last one.  While this tie also puts me in mind of candy canes, it at least makes me think of one of those fancy fruity candy canes that cost a little more than the regular candy canes but are totally worth it.  I like regular candy canes too but not on old men’s ties, or at least not on old men who aren’t currently singing in a barbershop quartet, which is a thing that I have never seen John McCain do, which is ultimately why I’m not voting for him.  Granted, I’ve never seen Obama in a barbershop quartet either, but…hey, did they change their ties?  I think Obama’s tie is different.  Maybe not.  Probably not, because when would he have had the chance to change his tie?  McCain hair and shirt are exactly the same color.  He could be draping a scrap of dress shirt over his head and wearing a suit jacket over his bare hairy chest right now for all we know.  

Brokaw just put the smack down.  He called them “you guys”.  That’s fantastic.  Come on, you guys, we gotta do a debate!  You guuu-uuuys!  Come on!  I just saw that woman who emotionally asked the question before in the audience, and she’s making a lot of really skeptical faces.  I think Tom Brokaw is going to have to get violent here in a minute.  He’s gonna tell someone to shut their trap or something.  “I’m gonna get to Medicare in a second” from McCain sounds like a part in “Glengarry Glen Ross” when Al Pacino says “I’m gonna be with you in a second”.  The way he says it is scary.  John McCain: He’s Gonna Get to Medicare in a Second.  The carpet is really red.  

The candidates aren’t going to be able to pretend to hold and lightly shake a somewhat deflated volleyball in front of them tonight because they have to hold the microphone.  

Is nuclear power really “safe” and “clean”, as per John McCain?  I always though nuclear power created mutated fish and stuff.  That isn’t “safe”.  Or “clean”.  I bought a bag of disappointing lollipops a month or so ago and I’m eating some of them tonight just to make them go away.  I don’t know why I can’t just throw them away but I can’t.  And usually I waste food all the time, but apparently I’m reluctant to waste candy due to I’m five.

Wife update.  Now what do you think about the debate thus far, O wife?:

“I think the way I will judge the next debate will be who says the most things I haven’t already heard 500 times.”

Thanks, wife!  That is likely to be the most intelligent sentiment expressed in this entry, until I ask her again later.  Oh, my wife has just thought of another thing to say:

“The winner of this debate is Tom Brokaw.”

Yay!  All hail President Brokaw!  President Brokaw, that’s pretty cool sounding.  I bet he could think of some good stuff to do with the U.S. of A.  Like making Thursday “Free Lunch at Work Day That Your Boss Has To Pay For”.  And he mails you a new kind of interesting snack every month, and it’s always a surprise what it is.  I would be totally okay with my tax dollars paying for that.  Wouldn’t you wake up every day with a huge smile on your face, knowing that sometime that month you’d be receiving “President Brokaw’s Surprise Snack of the Month”.  Obama just said “mammogram”.  I wasn’t expecting it.  Now I have “mammogram” in my head to the tune of “Photograph” by Def Leppard.  Maaaaaaam-mo-graaaaaaaaaaaaam!  Somebody call Weird Al.  Crack the window, I smell royalties!  What?!

McCain just used the word “wherewithal”.  It’s no “festooned”, but it’ll do, it’s a good one.  It’s good to sneak in a vocab word every now and then.  Obama might do well to drop a “maelstrom” in there somewhere.  Man, if you think about it, humans are really pretty well behaved a lot of the time.  There’s really nothing much stopping this audience from running around, yelling, throwing things and acting out.  Annie reports that Obama is answering the “is healthcare a right, a priviledge, or a something else” question well.  A somewhat creepy dude with glasses and sticky-up hair just very calmly asked a question.  He did a good job but he also scared me a little.   There’s a couple of goofy bald dudes sitting in the front aisle that are very distracting.  Wow, I can’t stop looking at them.  I love them.  I wonder how much thought the audience put into what they’re wearing tonight.  Limit your choices to your current wardrobe and put together in your mind the outfit you would select if you were going to go to this debate tonight, and let’s say you’d be sitting in the front room to boot.  That’s something fun for you to think about.  There’s one guy in the audience wearing a mutedly busy plaid type of button-up shirt, and I respect that man’s decision.  

This debate looks like it was taped in the studio that they used to make that show where people sat around a psychic who looked a little like Aidan Quinn and he talked to their dead relatives.  Is that still on?  I remember people being really into that guy, and now I can’t even remember his name.  I watched it more than a few times.  I could never really tell if I was truly enjoying it or not.  I probably was.  It would be funny if someone in the audience threw their wallet at John McCain’s head.  He’d be like “Did someone just throw their wallet at me?”  Katy Hamm just asked a hard-sounding question about Pakistan that I would answer thusly if I were Obama: “Is that the one near Spain?  Spain and the P-one?  Is the P-one Pakistan?”  Right now the camera angle is such that Obama is surrounded by four groins.  It looks like the best doo-wop group ever.  Obama and the Four Groins.  Actually that sounds more like a direct-to-DVD Indiana Jones rip-off.  If he doesn’t win the election he could always look into doing something like that.   You can’t tell me you wouldn’t at least think about renting a direct-to-DVD action/adventure series starring Barack Obama.  

Hey, wife: Who do you think is more effective so far?

“If I had to choose who’s given the more interesting answers so far, that would be Obama.  But I haven’t heard many interesting answers cumulatively.”

I see!

“Does that sound too smart?”

Not at all!

“I don’t like my opinions to be known.”

Sorry!  

Pissing contest going on.  Tom Brokaw’s losing control of the classroom.  He’s so cool, though.  He’s calmer in front of the camera than I am at home watching him.  I wonder if there’s anything that really gets Tom Brokaw’s goat.  I wonder what really pisses him off, or tickles him, or hurts his feelings.  I wonder what he likes for chips.  How about some Tom Brokaw trivia?  Let’s google “Tom Brokaw trivia”.  Maybe I can find a Tom Brokaw quiz game!  Or a website of loltombrokaws!  What will Google find?  All right, here’s a website promising “not commonly known Tom Brokaw facts”, this sounds pretty promising.  Wow!  He received a BA in political science in 1962!  Who woulda thunk it?  What else?  He was a tour guide at Gavins Point Dam when he was 18.  I bet that was the most compelling and sobering dam tour in the history of man.  What else?  He was named after his maternal great-grandfather!  Scandalous!  Hey, one of the bald guys is asking a question about Israel.  McCain shook his hand because he did Navy things.  I’m glad they let one of the bald guys do a question.  I love those bald guys.  McCain just said “stinking corpse”.  That’s a handy phrase for uplifting speeches.  This Tom Brokaw trivia page is for the birds.  Let’s find another one.  Hey, this next page is purportedly my entertainment source for the latest Tom Brokaw gossip!  Wow!  Let’s see…his wife, Meredith, is a former Miss South Dakota.  Also, he received a BA in political science in 1962.  I give up.  

“What don’t you know, and how will you learn it?”  That’s a good question that I’m sure won’t be answered in anything approaching a satisfactory manner by anyone.  It wasn’t.  It’s funny that McCain got in the way of Tom’s teleprompter.  That’s a fun silly way to end it.  And now here’s Brian Williams immediately shitting all over the debate the instant it ends:  “Well, the audience was virtually ignored, Tom Brokaw might as well have been handcuffed to a urinal in the rest room, and McCain and Obama clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves.  And a country’s cries remain unheeded as the flames of economic destruction destroy their homes, melt their faces, and scald their toddlers.  May death come swiftly for us all.  I’m Brian Williams, good night.”  I’m sure he’d think I was an idiot, but I’d like to have a drink with Brian Williams.  Maybe get some nachos as well, or perhaps even an appetizer sampler of some sort.  

I like the Truth Squad thing they do on NBC, where somebody comes on and basically says “Actually, pretty much everything you just saw was made up on the spot, but here’s some legitimately accurate information for you if you’d like”.  As if I would ever be able to know who on this magical box is telling the truth and who isn’t.  Knowing: it’s impossible!  I’m working on a children’s educational program right now based on that very credo.  It’s called “Fuck It, Let’s Watch TV”.  It’s going well.  

And now, some final thoughts from Annie concerning what we’ve just seen: “I’m not over or underwhelmed.  They closed well.”  *shrug*  *bigger shrug*  “I don’t know.  It was fine.  I’m not surprised.  I have to think about it more.”

Fair enough, wife.  I hope you all enjoyed my not-at-all-helpful-or-relevant guide to the 2008 second Presidential debate.  I also hope you sleep well and dream about infinite breakfast buffets.  Good night.

THE DEBATE IS ON TV RIGHT NOW AGAIN!

Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight on October 2, 2008 by butthorn

All right, now we’re watching the vice-president debate.  I’m more excited to watch this one because there seems to be more opportunity for comedy.  These are odd people who like to say weird things.  “Hey, can I call you ‘Joe’?” says Palin, right off the bat, then rattles off 8 or 12 “thank yous”.  She’s gotta be shitting her pants right now.  I had to look away from the screen whenever they showed segments from her Katie Couric interview, and I never like to have to look away when Katie Couric’s onscreen.  Hotchi-botchie ding-dong magooglies!

Palin’s bangs are amazing.  Oh geez, she busted out a youth soccer reference already.  That’s gotta be on those bingo cards.  I can’t tell if she’s saying stupid things or not.  It sounds like all the other things everyone always says during debates.  I like this moderator.  Biden’s head does not look good from the back.  He will not win a “Best Debate Hairdo” certificate.  I’m staring deeply into the vortex of brunette fireworks that is Sarah Palin’s coiffure.  I’m watching this in HD so Palin’s digitized makeup and Biden’s skin tone are really striking.  Ha!: “Neither of you really answered that last question!”  Gwen Ifill is the moderator to end all moderators.  I have a feeling she’s going to be repeating that particular sentiment at various points in the program.  Why can’t SHE be vice-president?  She’d tear this thing up.

Argggg.  “Joe Six-Pack”.  “Hockey moms”.  She’s not saying anything.  It’s just sort of comforting, I guess.  I bet she would really get kids to behave in Sunday School.  Boy, Joe Biden has a large head, and is tanner than I remembered.  Palin is really leaning on the mild oath of “darn”.  That word has always made me upset.  I wonder how many “darn rights” she’ll be treating us to.  She should say “queefing right” instead.  Darn is so namby-pamby.  This can’t help but feel to me like the kids Thanksgiving table version of a debate.  There’s not much tension here.  They’re a lot more smiley, and instead of talking about themselves they mostly have to talk about their presidentially-hopeful partners, who if elected will actually get to do stuff.

“Governor, are you interested in defending Senator McCain’s health care plan?”  That’s a funny, vaguely unhopeful way of directing her toward the topic.  It’s really transparent how badly these two want and need to be seen as regular small-town schnooks.  I want to elaborate on this but I’m getting sucked into the hair vortex again.  Ouchies!: Biden just got cute and threw in a “bridge to nowhere” jab.  I bet he was excited to get that one in there.  I have to say, while I have no idea what she’s talking about and can’t really tell how intelligent her input here really is, Palin isn’t coming off as so much of a stammering ninny here.  They must have coached the living bajeezus out of her.  Biden having some serious trouble with the word “characterized”.  Look at how perfectly her locks are wrapped around her skull and draped above her ears.  You could spear olives on those bangs.

The veeps are dressed better than the big guys were.  They’ve spruced up pretty good.  McCain looked like he had to borrow a tie from an unstylish but conveniently nearby Navy buddy.  Sad admission: I had to look up McCain on Wikipedia to find out which branch of the armed forces he served in.  What else can I learn about him on Wikipedia, now that I have his page on the screen and the debate is disappointingly free of antics?  Let’s see…the tie he’s wearing in his Wikipedia portrait is much more flattering than the thing he had on the other week.  I think Biden finds Palin kind of cute in that crazy sort of way.  His beaming smiles in her direction seem genuine.  Like “look at the cute little girl trying to talk about big boy politics”.  He’s even nodding solemnly at her when she makes an ostensibly important and sensical point.  I heard Palin’s voice quaver very noticeably when Ifill brought up the issue of energy and climate change and other such Ed Begley Jr.-type comments.  She accidentally said “petroleum projects” instead of “petroleum products – hmmm!  You like how I’m acting like I actually detect a Freudian slip there?  Savvy!  Basically they’re both saying the environment is really crappy and we should clean it.  Good plan, guys.  I don’t know, they could be making earth-shatteringly relevant points here and I wouldn’t recognize it, so what the hell am I talking about.  I think Palin is actually more comfortable in front of a large audience than in a one-on-one setting.   I expected more awkward pauses and complete gibberish than I’m getting.  Heh, I think she just called him “Senator Obiden”.  I wonder if that unintentional amalgam will achieve the same notoriety as, say, Brangelina.  Palin getting dodgy about the same-sex stuff.  Now everyone getting dodgy about it.  The subject is swiftly changed.  Gays are funny and good at picking out clothes but it’s gross if they publicly express their love via a lovely ceremony and a binding document.  Bottom line: God didn’t make butts with wieners in mind.  It was a happy accident that he deeply regrets, so no getting married, ya gaybees!  Was mine the only middle school where kids routinely called each other “gaybee”?  Is that how it was spelled?  Did it mean “gay bee”?  Who invented “gaybee”?  Why is “bee” the suffix after “gay” in that insult?  Someone please deconstruct “gaybee” for me.  

Now I don’t know what they’re talking about.  They’re jovially getting in each others’ faces.  Palin just went from reaming Biden out to telling him how much she respects him for doing military things.  Back to the gay thing:  what scares them about the concept of gay marriage?  Do people think the country will turn into a humongous living gay porno if people of the same sex can get married?  It’s like they think allowing gay people to get married will make the gay people all turn way more gay then the non-gay people are comfortable with.  And anyway, gay people are pretty much getting married all over the place regardless.  I’ve seen it happen twice with my own eyes, and not once was I privy to anus-raping or unwillingly exposed to Margaret Cho standup.  On the other side of the coin, there was also a distinct lack of scintillating lesbian lovemaking.  But if gay people want to gussy up and repeat platitudes at the behest of a notary in front of their loved ones as a means of declaring that they wish to silently watch TV with the same person for the rest of their lives, how does that affect these two assholes?  I’m voting for Jim J Bullock, that does it!

Heh, Joe Biden just talked about himself in the third person.  That’s funny and weird.  I think she just called him “Senator Obiden” again.  That isn’t his name!  You don’t see “Obiden” calling her “McPalin”.  Speaking of that, I’m going back to McCain’s Wiki to see if I can learn and share one interesting fact, like his favorite band is Collective Soul, or he spends the majority of his free time playing “Rack-o”, or something.  Let’s see…biweekly beatings, omnipresent dysentery, years of torture rendered him incapable of raising his hands over his head, zzzzzzzzz…my knees are cold!  What are they talking about now?   I wonder what Palin smells like?  I bet she smells like freshly laundered sheets.  What about Biden?  Hmm, that’s a very good question.  Maybe like a simple breakfast cooked at camp?  It looks like it would hurt really badly if Joe Biden headbutted you.  

I’m sorry, everyone.  I’m not doing a very good job covering this vice-presidential debate.  Palin just said “I beg to disagree with you”.  I don’t think that’s a thing you say.  This is all a big “my dad can lick your dad” argument.  Lick meaning “beat in a fight”, not “pleasure orally”, although I guess it would be funny if out of nowhere they both started yelling “McCain is gonna suck Obama’s dick!”, “Nuh-uh, Obama is gonna tearfully fellate McCain!” at one another.  That wouldn’t be a good way to make political points.  What if McCain and Palin win and then later we find out they’re having sex?  Has anyone envisioned that situation?  I know I have.  I might go envision it in the shower in a minute if this debate doesn’t pick up the pace.  I’ve about had it with Palin’s folksy interjections.  “Doggone it”, “sure as heck”, “gadzooks a diddily ding dong donkey feathers”.  She just told Biden that his wife’s “reward is in Heaven”.  Is that a subtle way of saying she wants Biden’s wife to pass away?  Cutthroat!  

Gwen is now basically asking the veeps what about them sucks. Palin has apparently chosen to answer by rattling off all her good points.  Evidently she has misunderstood the term “Achilles heel”.  It would be funny if they went to Biden after that and he said “Well, children disgust me, that’s a problem of mine” or something like that.  Heh, Biden is talking about how he makes more money than most people.  That’s an admission you don’t hear often.  Geez, they both crapped out on the Achilles heel question.  Can I tell you how tired I am of the word “maverick”?  Biden seems just as sick of the word and is now spouting off about it.  It would be funny if he said “John McCain isn’t maverick!  ‘Maverick’ is a likable, western-themed knockabout comedy from 1994 starring Mel Gibson and James Garner!”

Man, I’m thirsty!  I feel like I’ve been funneling sand.  But we drank all the grape soda!  What will I do?!?!  

Okay, I think it’s over.  I remain confused and tired.  You know what would really make this debate extra weird?  If at the end Seal came out and sang “A Kiss From A Rose” and put his arms around Biden and Palin and they awkward tried to sing along.  Or if that song where the dogs bark “Jingle Bells” played over the loudspeakers as they left the stage.  Whoever is talking now is saying “whoever came here looking for a train wreck came away disappointed”.  That was the most correct thing anyone said all night.  I wonder what Biden and Palin are discussing now.  What if all of a sudden he roughly pushed her across the stage, or if she slapped him in the face and he then vigorously waggled his tongue?  Tom Brokaw is apparently going to moderate the next debate.  I guess Flava Flav wasn’t available.

Who is going to win this?  Who are we going to be stuck with for the next four years, and how will they do, and will anything change?  And should I go get some more grape soda?  Is Hannaford even still open?  Is it worth leaving the house when I’ve already put my pajamas on?  Who IS Darkman?

THE DEBATE IS ON TV RIGHT NOW

Posted in Thought-Provoking Political Insight on September 26, 2008 by butthorn

Guess what I just read?  Ricky Gervais might host the Oscars!  I think that’s a fantastic idea.  He was the only good thing about the Emmys.  We kind of accidentally watched the Emmys in its entirety.  I had never watched them before.  Is the ceremony always that idiotic?  I know we don’t come to awards shows for their stinging wit and profound insight into the human condition, but good Lord man, that was shit!  It made us rethink the very idea of televised entertainment.  Maybe it’s not such a good idea after all.  I take that back, it is, it’s a wonderful idea, the best, my favorite thing, oh I love you.  Anyway, it would be very cool if Ricky Gervais got to host the Oscars, which means it probably won’t happen.  It’ll probably be someone unspeakably horrible, like the priest from “Deliver Us From Evil”.  Or Bill Engvall.

All right, so I’m trying to watch the debate here.  We’re about ten minutes in.  I have no idea what’s going on, as is generally the case with political programming or discussion of any sort.  I have never been able to grasp what these important men are talking about or doing.  I don’t know why they want to do what they do, nor do I understand why I should pay attention to it.  I’m sure this makes me eight different varieties of idiot, but the fact of the matter is I don’t think this world ought to be controlled by humans, or at least not the current version of human.  I think we’re going to have to go through a few upgrades before any of us know how to rule the world.  

I never understand anything they say.  Even when they’re saying things that technically make sense, I’m unable to process the statement if it’s coming out of the mouth of a man in a suit at a podium.  Right now John McCain is talking about “pork barrel spending”.  What in the name of Gerald McRaney could that possibly mean?  All that phrase does is make me want ribs.  So I’m in favor of it.  Now they’re talking about “earmarks”.  I guess it’s just a language you have to learn and speak if you want to know what the rich people are doing to make things harder and more boring for everyone.  

I haven’t understood a thing they’ve said yet.  I’m noticing that when one of them is talking, the other one kind of shuts down.  They close their eyes, they look down.  They flash a rueful smile when their opponent makes a dig.  John McCain’s tie is candy-cane colored.  They’re really talking a lot about Wall Street and Main Street.  We’re Main Street.  Did you know that?  I didn’t until this election.  Main Street.  Argh, they’re talking about pork barrel spending again!  McCain just said “Look at them, my friends!  Look at them!”  I don’t know what he wanted me to look at but it’s nice that he wants to be friends.  Obama’s ears stick out.  It kind of looks like they’d be good to chew on.  He just said a bunch of stuff about taxes that made no sense.  McCain is blatantly laughing at everything Obama is saying.  Now he just used the word “festooned” in a derisive fashion.  Not very sporting.  

You have to be good at hand gestures if you’re gonna be a president.  Obama has an impressive arsenal of hand gestures.  He likes to mime that he’s holding a small round object, like a slightly deflated volleyball, and lightly jostling it up and down in front of him.  That seems to be his go-to gesture for patient explanation of complex issues.  He also occasionally does a thing where he pinches something invisible between his thumb and forefinger and sort of pokes it forward and backward a couple times.  He tends to emphasize seemingly insignificant but secretly crucial details with this pinching motion.  Hey, he said “deductible”!  I understand that term, thanks to my job!  Last year I wouldn’t have known what that was.  It just goes to show you: you’re never too old to learn!  Another thing Obama likes to do with his hands is count on his fingers, which is a great way to get people to start paying attention.  People like lists.  He likes to indicate upcoming tribulation by thrusting his hand forcefully into the distance.    

It seems like they’re going to be talking about the financial crisis for a goodly portion of the debate.  It’s so hard to feel anything whatsoever about that thing.  I’m constantly in a financial crisis.  I don’t think I’ve ever not been in one.  See, that’s the thing, I just can’t tie what happens in Washington or New York or Afghanistan or where have you to my life at all.  I feel like it has absolutely nothing to do with me.  I’m sure this isn’t the case.  Actually, I’m not.  I’m not sure at all.  I just say that to make it seem like at least some part of me cares about politics, so that smart people might at least see me as stupid but not without hope.  I perceive no link between me and any of this.  I just don’t get it.  Annie is extremely politically minded, moreso than I ever would have guessed initially, and she can usually explain certain issues.  She’s the only person I’ve ever known who Tivos “Meet the Press”.  

The Iraq War has almost cost a trillion dollars.  And I felt guilty about buying that “I’d Rather Be Playing Tennis” mug at Goodwill today, waw waw waaaaw.  McCain likes counting on his fingers, too.  I think I’m more excited for the vice-presidential debate than this one.  I have a feeling that’s going to be impossible to look away from.  Now McCain is pretending to hold and gently shake a small round object in front of him!  Obama looks like he wants to break all McCain’s teeth out with a rock.  Somebody’s gonna throw a podium, I think.  Obama just said “brazen” and “emboldened” in the same statement.  Those are solid vocab words.  I think I’ll vote for him.  

Someone in the audience just coughed really loud.  What I would do if I were going to this debate is set it to record on the DVR, then when I was in attendance I would at some point look at my watch, write down whatever whoever is talking at the time just said, and cough as loud as I could.  Then later when I got home I’d fast-forward to the correct number of minutes and wait for the telltale phrase and listen to hear my cough and yell “THAT WAS ME!” at whomever was lucky enough to be present. Another funny thing to do as a member of the audience at the debate would be to yell “BOOO-RING!” in a nasal, sing-song fashion.  John McCain just said “The Iranians have a lousy government”.  That’s kind of a funny, not-terribly-dignified comment.  Why didn’t he just say it sucks ass, while he’s at it?  

I have to go into the kitchen and look at the food I bought tonight to determine if I want to put any of it into my mouth.  

I’m back.  I got a grape soda.  It’s very tasty.  These guys are talking about Russia now.  It’s really confusing that there’s a country called Georgia.  Obama just angrily declared “I’ve never said that I object to nuclear waste”.  That should go on a tee-shirt. 

These guys are both scrappy.  Neither is backing down.  I’m enjoying the combat of it, despite being wholly unable to follow the content.  I like the idea that neither would back down from the threat of physical confrontation, whether they were able to fight back or withstand the attack or not.  I think it would be oddly comforting for them to push aside the podium and microphone, take off their suit jackets, and just start housing on each other.  Honest and immediate and exciting and easy for everyone to understand.

That’s all I’m gonna say about the debate.  I think it’s almost over anyway.  You should be able to call in and vote for who you liked best like on “Dancing With the Stars”.  That would be a much better voting system.  That way I wouldn’t have to go to the stupid Town Hall.  I don’t even know where it is.  Anyway, in closing, I’ll probably vote for Obama but I have no intelligent reasoning for doing so, other than the fact that most of the people I know would be mad at me if I didn’t, and I only like it when people are delighted by me.  

Good night!