I’m gonna try to do an end of year blog post with my wife. I don’t really know if it’ll work out or not. If she knows I’m writing down everything she says, it might make her less inclined to say anything at all. On the other hand, the resultant self-consciousness might make her even funnier than usual. At any rate, Freddy is loudly voicing protest re: going to bed in the other room so it’s a moot point right now anyway. I have to wait until she works her magic to get him to calm down and rehit the hay. It shouldn’t take too long. Annie is very good at child soothing. I can get him wound up no problem, but I have a tough time convincing him to lie prone, still, and silent on a comfortable surface until unconsciousness overtakes him. I just know that were he to ask “why should I go to sleep?”, my only honest answer is “because I’m exhausted from catering to your every need, and I want to briefly warp back to a time when a random snap decision on my part wouldn’t necessarily harm or kill an adorable, defenseless human being that happens to share my DNA; also, I want to lie on the couch and finish watching ‘9 to 5’ “, and frankly I don’t think that’s a very good reason to make someone turn in for the night, even less so for the mid-afternoon. There’s also the whole “you need sleep because if you don’t you’ll go crazy and eventually die”, but being that an awareness of his fate blissfully eludes him at this stage in the game, that too becomes irrelevant.
And with that, he seems to have stopped crying for the moment, and my wife is back here with me, seated on the floor in the living room, playing “Fable 3”, an Xbox game wherein you run around the woods, slaying fantastical creatures and digging up treasures that a canine companion tracks down for you. It’s a good video game for people who aren’t very good at video games, and we’ve both spent a lot of our newly less-than-boundless spare time commanding an untrue-to-life animated representation of ourselves to flay the digitized flesh of “Balverines” and “Hobbes” via a none-too-precise chain of jabbed colorful buttons and growled profanities. Let me see if I can engage her in a stilted, unenlightening back-and-forth.
So how do you think this year went in general?
I mean, what did I do most of it? I sat with Freddy. I sat pregnant with Freddy, then I sat with newborn Freddy. Now I sit with infant Freddy. A lot of sitting.
If you could do this year over again, would you try to sit less?
See, that’s a hard question. If I wanted to sit less, it would be standing with Freddy, right? I did plenty of that. I can’t believe you’re typing this. This is not…is there a troll in here?
I think so.
Do you remember where?
I think you’re right near it.
You’ve moved on to typing other things, right?
What do you think the next thing we need to do with Freddy is?
Yeah. Like now that we’ve sat with him a lot, what now?
Some form of locomotion. I don’t know. Now that I know what you’re doing, I can’t speak normally.
Yeah, I was afraid this might happen. So was the year boring, or…?
No. It was uneventful, but not boring. Well, uneventful other than childbirth. That part was eventful. But…you know what I mean. You can make it sound like I know what I mean, right?
Do you think your sister having a baby next month will affect how you deal with Freddy next year?
Like change my parenting? No.
Or maybe how you look at him or perceive him?
What? No, don’t type that! What were you asking?
I’m probably not wording it well.
I think it’ll be another dimension of how I interact with Lorrie. That doesn’t have anything to do with anything, right? What is your blog about? The whole thing isn’t you asking me questions, is it?
What are you looking forward to most about Lorrie having a baby?
Being an aunt. Freddy having a cousin.
Are you going to be with her when she actually gives birth?
I don’t know if we could work that out. Since, you know, it’s a five hour drive, although I’m sure her labor will be much longer than that. It may not be possible.
Do you hope that it is?
I think so. Be interesting to be, you know, present for labor and not in it.
I know that if men could give birth, and my brother were pregnant, I wouldn’t want to be in the same room as that event, but I don’t know if that’s a guy thing or a reflection of our relationship, or of your relationship with Lorrie.
Maybe all of those things.
But I’m sure men giving birth would be a lot more horrific
(We both laugh.)
I wouldn’t want to watch Justin’s penis explode.
But you’re okay with watching Lorrie’s vagina explode?
It won’t explode. If she’s doing it right.
No, but it’ll be in the room, and it’ll be front and center, and going through some stuff.
Well, I don’t have to be at the receiving end of the birth, you know? I’ll be on the other end, you know, keeping her on task, or something.
I think it’s probably less of a big deal for sisters to see each other naked than for brothers, and maybe also sisters are more capable of helping each other through something painful.
Well, maybe the latter part. I’m not thrilled at seeing Lorrie naked, as I’m sure she doesn’t really care to see me naked.
But you can get over that possibility to the point where you’d go right into the delivery room no questions asked. I would be nowhere near the delivery room if my brother were giving birth.
Because he’s naked? That’d be the reason you wouldn’t go in if your brother wanted you there? I’m not necessarily going in because I’m desperate to see a baby squeeze out. I wanna be there because she wants me there.
See, I didn’t even consider the idea that he might actually want me in there. I’m assuming he wouldn’t request my presence. If he came right out and asked me to be there, that’d probably be different.
Yeah, Lorrie asked. It’s not like she got pregnant and I was like “Ooh, can I be there?” That’s not my cup of tea. I’m trying to jump the fence! Patience, dick! I can’t vault the fence! Jesus! What’s so funny?
Your difficulty with the fence.
Oh, why are you typing that? Jeremy, stop!
Do you still think the baby’s gonna be a girl?
Yes. Mostly. I mostly think it’s gonna be a girl, I don’t think it’s mostly gonna be a girl. Don’t type that. Don’t type that part.
Do you want it to be a girl?
Yeah, I think so.
Just for variety’s sake, or…?
I’m not answering that. No, don’t type that! Get rid of the question! I’m not gonna talk anymore. Ooooh!
The bridges are new! I brought a carpenter to Driftwood.
Why don’t you want to elaborate on wanting it to be a girl?
Don’t…no…Jeremy! I’ve told you before and I don’t think however hundred people read your blog need to hear it. Jeremy, seriously. No, really, get rid of it.
I don’t want you to type it. It’s stupid reasoning. Are you getting rid of it?
But you didn’t give any reasoning.
It’s cause you’re still typing.
Well, it’s not like you’d be disappointed if it was a boy.
Do you just see her with a girl?
Oh, I can get this now! Oh yesssss! Where did it go? I have no idea what hitting that did.
Maybe it affected something elsewhere on the island?
It must have. Oh! Oh! I don’t wanna accidentally kill the dog. Where’d it go?
It’s weird that it just keeps moving around.
Well, that was the third thing I did. I did a shoot, then a sword, then a magic. I don’t know what to do for the next thing.
So when we have another kid, would you be pulling for a girl?
No. I’ll be happy either way. Again, I see us more with boys, but it’d be kinda cool to have a girl.
So it’s more that you want Lorrie to have one, or hope that she does, at least somewhat? I don’t think it’s bad, I just think it’s interesting.
If I remind you of why it was, will you delete the line of questioning?
If I did, pretty much 2/3 of the blog entry would be gone.
2/3 of the blog is you trying to ask me just why I want Lorrie to have a girl? Stop! Jeremy!
What? This was gonna be about how our year went, but when I asked you that you just said “sitting”, so it ended up being about this.
Well, I didn’t know that. If I had realized your intent was to make your blog our conversation…I thought you were just asking “By the way Annie, how was your year?” So I tried to be succinct.
Have you always said “succinct”?
I don’t not say “succinct”. I don’t know that I use it regularly.
Do you think Lorrie will freak out a lot throughout the infancy or do you think she’ll be pretty calm?
It’ll be a mix of the two. Now that I know she reads this, I’m not gonna answer.
Yeah, that’s a good point. Is this the last thing you have to decide on for the game?
Yeah, I’m on the last day. I have one other thing to decide on before this.
Do you have anything else you want to add about 2010? Make it good.
(Groans exasperatedly several times.) It was…good?
I guess you made it good.
What? What’d you say? You guess what? What? Jeremy, stop typing and tell me what you said! (Groans exasperatedly.) Seriously, what’d you say?
I told you before you said anything to make it good, and you said the year was good, and then I said I guess you made it good. Because you said “good”.
END OF CONVERSATION WITH WIFE.
My wife then went on to beat “Fable 3”, in an exciting display of might and magic. At one point she did a barrel roll between a guy’s legs and then turned around and shot him point blank in the asshole. It doesn’t get much more exciting than that. Happy holidays, everyone! Let’s try to get something done this year! We’ve all been coasting for long enough, am I right?