I NEED TO STOP FALLING ASLEEP ON THE WAY TO WORK!
I fell asleep for a distressingly long stretch of time while driving to work today. Like I opened my eyes and suddenly I was in a different town. These are not exclusively straight roads I drive on. Why am I not dead? Why haven’t other motorists been harmed? Why hasn’t somebody offered to pay me to stay home and make uproarious blogs, so I don’t have to risk countless lives each morning on my way to work? Questions aplenty!
So if you see the above scene while on your way to work tomorrow, stop by and say hello! We could have been carpooling this whole time and didn’t even know it! Could have saved some money. In this economy, every penny counts.
Seriously, though, this isn’t a good habit. My body and brain could not be picking a worse time in my day to shut down. That’s the one part of my day where falling asleep could result in some sort of death. Very little of my day – depressingly little, really – requires even a modicum of concentration. There are many points during my day at which sleep would be fine – nay, welcome! But not while operating a 3500-lb rusted-out monstrosity down a winding, mildly trafficky, none-too-well-maintained road dotted with domiciles and the odd hopeless hitchhiker.
Being in a car is relaxing! I fall asleep in them all the time. Why, just look how cozy Remington Steele and Stephanie Zimbalist are in their automotive slumber.
If Stephanie Zimbalist can’t remain awake within the confines of an automobile, I ask you, what chance have I got? WHAT CHANCE?!?!?!
Sometimes loudly interviewing myself helps, because I love talking about myself so it’s compelling enough that I don’t nod off, which is more than I can say for local radio, where eight out of ten songs are by the Steve Miller Band and the other two are Bob Seger. I actually enjoy both of those artists, but I’ve heard so much of them that they’re impossible not to disregard at this point. They cannot hope to keep me awake. No, not even “Kathmandu”.
It just occurred to me that I don’t know what Steve Miller looks like so I Googled him. He is every bit as hip and happenin’-lookin’ as I imagined.
That is the uncoolest man I have ever seen in my life. He looks like he is singing the most boring song ever recorded by man, perhaps entitled “I’m On the Market for a Used Ford Taurus”, or “The Finest Bean Supper I Have Ever Attended”, or “Baby, Let’s Go to the Dump”. He doesn’t even look comfortable; did he know he was playing at a rock and roll concert that day? Long sleeved black dress shirt and heavy, groin-enhancing dungarees – possibly Rustlers – that’s more of a Wednesday night prayer meeting kind of outfit, where you can dress down a little since it’s not Sunday, but you still want to wear a half decent shirt. Good thing there was a Rite-Aid on the way to the show; ya can’t rock their socks off without a slammin’ pair of shades! I think I’ll get that photo tattooed on my chest to show people how much I love rock and roll.
Is it any wonder I fall asleep in the car all the time when that’s the guy in charge of keeping me awake? I’m doomed! I need to go buy a Scorpions CD or something. Or hire them to live in my car.
What a silly blog! I just need to go to bed and get some sleep, that’s my prob! Maligning The Steve Miller Band won’t rejuvenate my immune, nervous, skeletal, and muscular systems! Good night!