EXPRESSING OPINIONS ON THE INTERNET: WHO COULD HAVE BELIEVED IT POSSIBLE?
Let’s talk about some things I don’t care about:
FOOTBALL: I don’t understand it and it looks like it hurts.
ANDY SAMBERG: He reminds of the kid on the bus that everyone laughs at but talks about how annoying he is whenever he stays home sick from school. Except Andy Samberg never stays home sick. He is infuriatingly healthy.
GPS: Look, I can’t read an atlas either, but come on. Drive your car.
SUPERHERO MOVIES: They’re all the same. Guy puts on a fruity suit and flies around enjoying himself, then a bad guy comes and makes things bad, then Fruit Suit beats the bad guy and everything’s okay again, with occasional interludes for chemistry-free scenes with women who wouldn’t give the film’s core audience the time of day. Boring and depressing, but at least they’re not…
REMAKES OF 80’S MOVIES AND (ESPECIALLY) MOVIES BASED ON OLD 80’S SHOWS: Complaining about these is like complaining about hardship, or illness. Everyone knows they’re bad. Sure, people’ll go see “The A-Team” movie. Theaters are air-conditioned, and their seats are usually fairly comfortable. The perfect environment for texting, or for loudly expressing your negative opinion of the film currently playing for the benefit of all in attendance. Just because ticket sales are healthy doesn’t mean anybody’s actually enjoying the film. They just don’t like being outside. But I guess if all we’re doing is using movie theaters as roomy areas in which to fondly examine our neat little phoney-woneys, we deserve such films as “The Karate Kid Again Except Sucky This Time” and “Clash of the Things People Made on Computers” and “Transformers 3: Farty Fart Poop Crap Piss”. I know that, historically, pop culture is largely based upon whatever decade the people currently in their thirties grew up in, but for the love of Mackenzie Astin, give the 1980’s some time to recover from our endless mining of its natural resources. Because where does it end? “Sister Kate: The Movie”? “She’s the Sheriff: 3D Imax”? “I Now Pronounce You Benson and Alf”?
AMERICAN IDOL: Hey, let’s make cruel sport of people who don’t sound like everything else on the radio has sounded for the past decade and a half for a couple of weeks, then pick twelve of the least offensive wannabes and watch them sing selections from the station they make you listen to at work for weeks on end, subjecting them to the random critical whims of three megalomaniacs before finally leaving the decision up to middle schoolers who will base their vote on who has the best hair. This is one of those cases where “If you don’t like it, don’t watch it” simply doesn’t apply, because everybody’s co-workers and everybody’s parents will fill you in on every last detail, even if you tell them you hate the show and don’t care in the slightest what’s happening on it, while tearing your face skin in frustration and aiming a gun at them and urinating on a photograph of Randy Jackson. Some have postulated that the show will end once Simon takes off, but I’m pretty sure they’ll just replace him with that chef who yells at everybody. The worst part about “American Idol” is that it’s no longer timely to make fun of it, so I can’t even derive any joy out of this paragraph.
SKYPE: I use the Internet to avoid having to talk to people. Even though we’ve had the ability to video chat for several years now, it’s still a bit more futuristic than I’m capable of dealing with. I like the idea of flying cars as much as the next guy, but if someone pulled up in one tomorrow and offered me the keys, I’d be way too scared to drive it. Rather than a normal conversation, video chatting just feels like my laptop is taking on the form of my friend and is emulating their thought and speech patterns. I don’t want to chat with the evil terminator from “Terminator 2”. I want to refresh my Amazon recommendations in blissful solitude.
GLEE – I haven’t seen a single, solitary second of it and I hate it with a passion I usually reserve for activities such as “getting out of bed” and “helping”. Why does everyone have to like things so hard? And then talk at length about why they like them, with enthusiasm? Don’t they know how hard that makes my life?
In the end, I really only enjoy money and creme-filled pastries. And romantic comedies starring Matthew Perry.
I know this is thin on content and quality but I have to allow myself smaller posts from time to time, else I will abandon this thing altogether, and where will that leave us? I guess I’d better slap a picture of some sort on here too…here ya go!