I KNOW VERY FEW THINGS.
I have few concrete opinions, and it bothers me a little bit sometimes. Not that I really want opinions; it just makes it easier to have conversations with those people you occasionally come across who seem to want to talk about smart stuff. Man, what’s the deal with those pricks, anyway?
My guts squash themselves into a tubey, spluttering fist whenever anyone starts talking about politics, because it basically means that unless I can get away with remaining completely silent, I am going to have to reveal to everyone present that I am an unintelligent person. I do not know what any of the people in the White House do. Here, let me try to figure it out just relying on the knowledge I have in my brain.
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Goes on TV and tries to calm everybody down.
VICE PRESIDENT: Gets made fun of.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Answers phone and types up documents for PRESIDENT.
CONSTITUTION: Old bossy paper.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: Had a beard and a jaunty top hat. Freed the slaves. Said that “fourscore and seven years ago” thing. Is the only statue that gets to sit down. Got his head blown off when he was out trying to have a nice time at a show. Had a wife that freaked everybody out for some reason. Is on a crappy coin and an okay bill.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: The first president there ever was. Had white Princess Leia hair and was always very serious; a real party pooper. Stood up on a boat and got painted, which is very American, if vain and unsafe. Chopped down a cherry tree and invented accountability shortly thereafter. Is on an okay coin and a crappy bill. Had an ass that wouldn’t quit.
BEN FRANKLIN: Said a bunch of smart stuff. Wrote with a fancy pen made out of a bird feather. Had cool John Lennon glasses and invented lightning. Smelled like spoiled generic whipped topping after a few days without a bath. Is on a way better bill than those other two guys despite the fact that he gleefully employed slaves and remained seated on unpainted boat trips.
DEMOCRACY: Find out who your wife wants you to vote for and try not to forget before going into the booth. Good opportunity to reacquaint oneself with the folksy activity of pencil-using. Ideal occasion to practice your “smug satisfaction” face. Enjoy free sticker.
You get the picture. You better, anyway. Because those are all the political terms I know. I cannot talk to you about the war in Iraq, or at least not in such a manner that it results in an enlightening or even coherent discussion. My rule about the Iraq War is I talk disparagingly of it when in the company of people my age and younger, and reverently, if at all, with anyone who looks to have been born before 1965. Under no circumstances do I myself introduce the topic. I don’t have any answers; I’m just trying to maintain a workable level of comfort. It feels like discussions concerning current events are often one step away from people just angrily jerking off in each other’s faces. That made a lot more sense in my head before I typed it out. Here is my impression of every discussion involving important matters that anyone has ever had:
PERSON ONE: I think this!
PERSON TWO: I think this!
PERSON ONE: Well, I think this!
PERSON TWO: But I think this!
PERSON ONE: Well, you’re stupid!
PERSON TWO: No, you’re stupid!
PERSON ONE: You’re ignoring facts!
PERSON TWO: Well, you’re hurting my feelings!
PERSON ONE: I’m upset!
PERSON TWO: Me, too!
PERSON ONE: Aaauggh!
PERSON TWO: Blaaaaaugghh!
PERSON ONE: HOOOOLARRGRGRGGAGGAH!
PERSON TWO: PLARGARGGARGAAAGAGGUAGAGGGUH!
PERSON THREE: Hey, I’m trying to watch “The Wraith” over here!
PERSON ONE AND TWO: HOOLARGARUGUHUGUGUHBUHPUHGUHUGUHGUUUUHHHH!
A good way to make sure that no one’s feelings get hurt and that people can hear “The Wraith” is to only ever talk about pizza. Everybody likes pizza. Anyone who says they don’t like pizza is probably a congressman and they get paid to disagree. They’re just trying to do their job, but you should stop being friends with them because they’re going to ruin all of your nice times. And for heaven’s sake, don’t talk about toppings; that’s asking for trouble. Just say “Pizza, mmmmmm!” and allow several seconds for everyone else in the room to say “Mmmmm!” as well. You have now had a nice friendly chat with friends and you should feel good about that.
I also don’t know much about science:
THE SUN: Hot thing that hurts my eyes. Probably killing everyone. Coming here, doot’n doo-doo.
BIOLOGY: Hard thing that I failed. Involves frogs.
GEOLOGY: Looking at rocks tells you that things are old.
PLANTS: Green things all over the place that don’t do much. Good with dip.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Smartest guy who ever lived, but comparisons to him directed at you are somehow rarely complimentary. Had a silly hairdo. Said that “e=mc squared” thing, whatever good that does anybody.
NOVA: Show about science that is good to watch because maybe they’ll show the sex one where they go up the guy’s dink. Just make sure you shut it off before the baby part at the end. Vaginas aren’t supposed to look like that, doot’n doo-doo.
TEST TUBES: Glass things that hold science waters. Test tubes are as science as it gets.
FULCRUMS: Thing that the seesaw seesaws on. Not sure what it has to do with science, but I remember it being an answer on a science test once. Good with dip.
MITOCHONDRIA: The only word I remember from high school science class. I don’t know what it is but I bet you my nonexistent life savings that I don’t wanna hear about it. A helpful term to keep handy if someone is looking at you expectantly after having said a string of nonsense words and you want them to know that you understand that they are attempting to talk to you about science but you don’t necessarily want to continue the conversation.
CHEMICALS: The number two most scientific thing after test tubes. Chemicals are science waters that burn your skin and kill you if you drink them. You’re better off just pouring them into test tubes and pretending to find them interesting while thinking about boobs and what’s on TV tonight. Not sure why Albert Einstein invented these.
MICROSCOPES: Oh wait, microscopes are the number two most scientific things. Chemicals are number three. Microscopes are really the only good thing about science, because they turn everything into a huge monster. Only problem with microscopes is they’re kind of a lie, because if you look at salt under a microscopes, it’s a bunch of squares, and that isn’t true. Salt isn’t squares, microscopes; you’re thinking of ice cubes.
EMERGENCY EYEWASH STATION: Where you should go when you get science in your eyes.
NEWTON: A guy who sat under a tree and an apple fell on his head and for some reason that made him realize that people can’t fly off into space. I like to think that before that seemingly unrelated realization he yelled something fancy and old-timey like “Ow! What in the blasted devil donnigans?!” and stood up and tried to throw the apple at the tree trunk in anger, but missed and chucked it several feet into the grass, which wasn’t nearly as satisfying, and he got up to go get the apple and try again, but couldn’t find it. Then his pants fell down and he tripped and hit his head on a rock and he farted but it was really a poop. Then a bunny peed on his face and a stag had sex with him then puked on his back.
GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER: The black guy you learn about in school that isn’t Martin Luther King. You don’t get a day off on his birthday, but he invented peanut butter, so it almost evens out.
THE KREBS CYCLE: Water falls out of the clouds, then you drink it, pee it, it goes down into the sewer, back up into tree trunks where it gets sucked out through the leaves and shot back up into the clouds again. The ocean doesn’t get to be part of the Krebs Cycle because you can’t drink the ocean. God just made the ocean to be weird. Thankfully this cycle only applies to water and not food. The world is gross enough as it is, am I right?
ANIMALS: Cute furry things that either want to kill you or entreat you to try and pull a disgusting, drool-drenched stick out of their mouth. Good with barbecue sauce.
CARL SAGAN: Science guy who liked making stuff up about space in a relaxing voice. If you’re gonna hang out with a science guy, you could do worse. Probably dead, or, failing that, wicked baked.
NASA: Tons of science guys who somehow know how to build huge rockets and shoot them up into space with guys in them. NASA is interesting because they float around and eat food that is different from the food you or I eat. If you want a job at NASA you should ask for the job where you get to ride cool rides, not the one where you sit around looking at computers.
DIARRHEA: A type of crapping that is very scientific. Hard to spell.
That’s it for science. And I don’t even want to get into math; fuck that shit in the ass with a dick. Throw it into the trash can. I do math all day at work, and it never gets any more interesting. The only math I like is the math I use to buy McDonald’s with. Greenbacks, baby. Mucho dinero. Wallet math, that’s what I call it. Otherwise, math can hit the road. I don’t even wanna do a silly list about it.
The point of this blog is I don’t know anything, but neither does anyone else. Religion is stories from old books that make people less scared of dying and science is people looking real closely at the weird stuff going on around us and concocting an uncertain if brilliant narrative to try and pretend like humankind has any control over any of this shit. I still haven’t figured out what politics is, other than three or four more channels that aren’t showing cartoons. In any event, nobody has any idea what they’re talking about, so why not either settle down and enjoy one another’s company or at the very least admit that “intelligent discussions” are little more than an opportunity to impress bystanders and/or make someone else feel stupid. Virtually nothing else has ever been accomplished through the act of speaking. I say get out of bed, make some pals and be good to them, and enjoy the nonsensical, potentially devastating ride. And if you figure something profound out along the way, well, you’re probably drunk. Lay off the sauce, Plato.
That’s all for today, dummies! Ciao!