I HAVE A DILLY OF A DING-DONG.
My wife is watching “Lost” and I don’t wanna do the dishes or take down the Christmas tree so my only recourse is to wring a limp blog out of an all-but-empty brain. I did end up taking a few asinine pictures during my uneventful mall trip a week ago. Let’s regard them.
Before we even went to the mall, I had some time to kill so through the Oriental art of origami I decided to fashion a cool gun out of the smooth paper strip thingy that you peel off the Netflix envelope when you’re ready to send your movie back. I put very little thought into it but as you can see the results are breathtaking. Look how threatening it looks when laid alongside the knife I use to cut cheese. In hindsight I should have taken these along with me on my mall trip so I could mug old people for their Social Security pittances.
I felt the knife was hogging the spotlight in that last photo, so here’s one of just the gun. Even still, you really had to experience the Netflix gun in real life to fully grasp its magnitude. My wife is going to be nonplussed that I posted not one but two pictures of this. For one reason or another I couldn’t seem to get her very excited about the Netflix gun. Man, I need a new camera; why have none of you purchased me one?
These dogs live across the street from us. They’re awesome and I wish they belonged to us. They pretty much just stay in their own yard and don’t hassle anyone. We got to pat them once and their fur was luxuriant to the touch.
All right, now we’re at the mall. This is some picture I took of an advertisement that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. This kid has some mighty lofty plans! I advise that we stay out of her way and let her do what she needs to do!
Here is something for children to sit on while being mechanically jerked forward in a vague approximation of a circle for three minutes to the accompaniment of a tinny rendition of “I Went to the Animal Fair”. I don’t know how to turn the picture right side up; don’t you think I tried?
So remember that “Movies America” store I was looking forward to browsing in? Yeah, well, here it is. Either they’re experimenting with a new redecorating motif that, I have to say, looks to be pretty goshdarn underwhelming, or they’ve closed, no doubt due to the overzealous and downright threatening store manager whose sales technique more or less consisted of running around the store jamming VHS copies of “Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling” up people’s butts and shrieking “BUY THIS OR I’LL KILL YOU!” Oh well, easy come easy go. Wonder what they did with all those tapes. 😦
One thing I did learn during this otherwise knowledge-free mall trip was that old people aren’t screwing around when they go to the mall during non-peak hours to exercise. They’re there to get in shape! You got to get the fuck out of their way! This couple passed me many, many times, briskly, and would no doubt have shoved me to the floor or into Bath & Body Works had I presented more of an obstruction to them. I would guess that these folks are there every morning, clopping down the aisles without a care in the world. Unfortunately I didn’t snap a picture of him in action, but whenever the old guy would pass a kiosk manned by someone he knew, which was often, he would snap his fingers at them and say “Yoo-hoo”, and the kiosk employee would animatedly reply “Hey Mr. Whateverhisnamewas”. I found it charming. The mall in the morning is the place to be for old codgers. A ton of them were in the food court, eating McDonald’s and shootin’ the shit. It looked like a pretty good deal. I eavesdropped a little on one of the tables in passing, and I swear to you they were heatedly discussing Norman Schwarzkopf.
We made spaghetti a few days ago and evidently Annie photographed it. It was good, better than this picture would suggest. Looking at that spaghetti is making me a little queasy now. I think the green beans come off well, though. We very rarely take it upon ourselves to cook a meal but we made this one together and it was enjoyable and rewarding. Who knows what responsibility we’ll tackle next? Why, perhaps we’ll even pay a bill.
That’s it for the mall pictures. I know, pretty slim pickings, but they’re better than a finger in the eye, ain’t they? Annie was able to find glasses that look exactly like her old ones did, and the glasses place made them fairly quickly, so I went back to work for a couple hours, which of course sucked but they were busy so I was happy to provide some much needed assistance for a few hours, and what little remained of the workday blew by.
I remember virtually nothing about what might have happened on Thursday or Friday (it really is as if the days never showed up at all), but on Saturday we decided to get out of the apartment and gad about the town. Went to the library and took out seven or eight books (all of which sucked within seconds of opening them), had some mediocre Chinese food (not a complaint, mind you; mediocre Chinese food is still delicious), and took in a matinee of “I Love You, Man”. For once the audience, by and large, did not flap their yaps during the movie or check their despicable cellphones every two seconds, and we were all able to enjoy a harmless and funny film.
But when we got home and prepared to ascend the death-defying staircase that leads to our apartment, we had THIS waiting for us:
Who made it, and what could it mean? It’s unnerving, is what it is! As if we don’t have enough problems, now Andy Goldsworthy is stalking us? It’s no doubt some form of hex, and we can only await the dire misfortune that is sure to befall us at any moment. Despite its not uninteresting structure, I’ve knocked it apart and scattered the rocks. If a new “sculpture” appears in its place my plan is to jump into the river and drown myself. Stay tuned!