RESPONDING TO THE NEEDS OF MY PUBLIC
Apart from constantly looking at my “blog stats” and basing my self-worth on the number of page views I’ve gotten, one of my favorite functions of the website is the list of search engine terms that lets me know what people were looking for when they gave up and settled on my unhelpful blog instead. To kill time while waiting for the Oscars to come on, I thought I’d delve into what makes my readers tick:
Far and away, the thing that ends up attracting people to this page most often is the handful of Debbie Harry pictures I’ve reasonlessly included with my occasional Commodore 64 posts. This doesn’t displease me. Ogling famous women of the ’80s is nothing to be ashamed of. Pictures of Debbie Harry are to be enjoyed by all.
Coming in at a not-at-all close second is good old Bruce Lee. The only thing that upsets me about this is the fact that I would think there would be many more online sources for Bruce Lee information that would pop up before my blog, which mostly just talks about his C64 game, which the poor guy never even got to play and would probably think was a crappy stupid waste of time. Actually, that’s a ridiculous thing for me to assume. If someone makes a video game in which you are the protagonist, you’re going to be at least initially intrigued. Furthermore, where Bruce died in the early ’70s, he’d probably think the mere fact that moving a stick magically causes a little cartoon guy on the TV to move around was amazing enough. His being the little cartoon guy would likely be a secondary marvel. But I digress.
Yeah! You want some of that right in the chops? And that guy was just trying to remember where he parked his car. Imagine what he does to people who actually deserve it. Man, I wish it looked anywhere near that cool when I kick people in parking lots. I think I’ll just stop doing everything I do and stare at this all the time. I’ll tell you what, Debbie Harry can’t do this. It wouldn’t even occur to Debbie Harry to do this. I’m guessing this was for a movie, and not, say, a candid shot of Bruce Lee outside being an asshole, so the assumption is that he wasn’t putting 100% of his power behind that kick, but I bet that guy still wished he were dead in that moment. It couldn’t have tickled. Can you even imagine what the stuntmen that worked with Bruce Lee went through on a daily basis? Waking up each morning knowing that within hours Bruce Lee would be striking you repeatedly?
OLD GRAND DAD
I want to meet the person who sits around at home thinking “Hmm, what to do with my evening? Maybe I’ll fire up the ol’ PC and google Old Grand Dad.” What does one hope to learn about Old Grand Dad from the Internet that a quick taste of it cannot tell you? The only two sensations that can possibly be gleaned from Old Grand Dad are “Yuck” and “Where is the toilet?”. It tastes bad and prompts immediate albiet hampered excretion. And it has a very sad old man on the label, who is presumably named Old Grand Dad. Maybe people are actually trying to find information on a long lost relative when they google this term, but I doubt it and hope not.
Evidently there is also a kangaroo named Old Grand Dad.
AGED WOMEN MOVIES
Is this a genre that my blog is legitimately a trusted source for? And do people really call them “aged women movies”? Pardon me, sir, where is the aged women movie section? Is that a thing someone would actually ask of a video retail clerk? Ten people to date have misguidedly sought discourse on aged women movies on my blog. Googling images of “aged women movies” has led me to posters for such cornerstones of aged women entertainment as “Fred Claus” and “We Were Soldiers”, so I guess ending up at my website isn’t markedly less useful. The Internet clearly needs to bone up on its supply of aged women movie entertainment information.
In regarding this poster I suddenly feel like eating a Werther’s and mailing twenty dollars to my grandchildren. Did anyone ever watch this movie, by the way? I haven’t viewed it and I don’t believe the film has crossed my mind in the past three years. Thank God I googled “aged women movies” or it may have disappeared from my brain entirely.
DEBBIE HARRY PUSSY
Sorry to disappoint, folks. Something tells me she hasn’t taken it upon herself to have it photographed and posted on the Internet. I’ll be sure to let you all know if she contacts me about setting something up. For now, however, it turns out that googling “Debbie Harry Pussy” only results in the following picture:
I’m not sure that’s what people are looking for when they enter those words into their computer, but I should think that’s a nice enough surprise all the same. I’d proudly hang that, by God!
PISSED IN MY ASS
This is interesting for a number of reasons, but chiefly because of the “my”. When one types that phrase into a search engine, one can only assume that person is looking for either written or pictorial data related to an event in which someone or something urinated into the searcher’s rectum. Do they think the Internet exists only for their benefit, and that when they use such a pronoun, only information relative to the user’s life will be displayed? Is there a way one can subscribe to an Internet configured in such a fashion? And when did I discuss ass-pissing-into on this blog? Did I at one point possess knowledge related to the subject that I thought everyone in the world who owns a computer might like to be made aware of? Does the pissing take place during actual penetration, or is it from a distance, a game of skill not unlike Beanbag Madness except with asses and pissing? And what picture will I get when I google “pissed in my ass”?
ALF “SEX CRIME” COMMADORE
Well, that’s flat-out bewildering, that’s what that is. What?! Now if it was just one guy searching for that mess, then we could simply chalk it up to insanity or a lazy web searcher ineffectually trying to kill three birds with one stone, but five people have looked for this exact phrase, unless it was that same weird guy refusing to take Google at its word. Is there actually a person who goes by the name Alf “Sex Crime” Commadore? Is this Randall “Tex” Cobb’s rarely-discussed cousin? Let’s find out! Help us, Google!
Well, whaddaya know? It’s the kid from the old Encyclopedia Brittanica commercials! I always wondered what that guy’s name was, and now I know: He’s Alf “Sex Crime” Commadore!
PRETEENS IN PANTIES
I think you’ll find my site is regrettably low on that particular item as well. Can I even google that phrase without police coming to my house? I got moderate safesearch on, I should be fine.
My God! That’s from an entry I did talking about some yard sales we went to, where I bought those two books! So when pedophiles search Google for “preteens in panties”, they’re presented with a photo of my hand holding “The Celery Stalks at Midnight” and “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing”? I can almost guarantee you that is not what people are looking for when they enter that phrase into their search engine. I’m of half a mind to write a letter of complaint to Google. That’s just bad customer service. I sincerely apologize, everyone. I never meant for this to happen. I just wanted to share with everyone the fun things I found at yard sales. In doing so, it was never my intent to prevent you all from looking at preteens in panties.
DEBBIE HARRY TITS
People! I’m just a regular guy trying to make a light-hearted little blog! This is not the home page of “Cummy Juggs Up Your Dildo-Ravaged Turdpipe” magazine! Control yourselves! Cool your jets! The woman is a talented and critically acclaimed musician! “The Tide is High”, you ever hear that? That’s a nice song by a nice lady! Have some respect, for Pete’s sake! But I can’t diverge from the pattern, so what do we get when we google “Debbie Harry tits”?
Why, it’s a miniscule picture of Frank Drebin from the “The Naked Gun”, of course! I can’t for the life of me begin to imagine why it would be anything else.
CRAPPY HOUSE CONSTRUCTION IN MAINE
Ha ha ha! I’m legitimately sorry I don’t have any real information regarding this, but I imagine there are a good number of people in my beloved state who would dearly like to know more about that particular subject. What a sad and funny thing to type into a search engine. Let’s see what it results in:
No idea what that is, but I wouldn’t want to reside in it. If I asked someone to build me a house, and that’s what they came up with, I suppose the word “crappy” would more than likely come to mind.
PAPA JOHN’S GARLIC SAUCE RUINS SHIT
Sorry to hear that, my friend. I hope my little blog helped you out with your problem, although I suspect that it probably did not. You gotta be careful with that stuff. It’s right up there as shit-ruiners go.
And, as most anyone with half a brain in their head could easily have predicted, typing the phrase “Papa John’s Garlic Sauce Ruins Shit” results in a picture of actor Keanu Reeves. You know, if I’ve learned anything from this experience, and I haven’t, it’s that the Internet, while funny, does not work at all. And with that, I’m going to go watch Mickey Rourke not win the Oscar he so richly deserves. Enjoy your night!