THIS SHIT AGAIN.

All right, let’s see what these two products have to sell us tonight.  I’m joining the second Presidential debate slightly in progress because I ate some pretty old pizza for supper and at 8:56 PM I had to go to the bathroom where I shat out something that felt like boiling oatmeal and looked like I dropped a Manwich in the toilet, yet was relatively odorless.  So let’s see what I missed while grunting out pooeys in the water closet…oh my God, McCain died!  How awful.  Nah, actually he’s sassing Tom Brokaw  at the moment.  McCain has a scary deadpan.  He’s a pretty frightening guy, even when mentioning eBay.  Why did he mention eBay?  All right, let’s check out the ties.  I’m trying to wrap my mind around Obama’s tie here.  It’s pretty wide.  Looks polka-dotted, but with very tiny white dots.  Obama is not answering this question!  He didn’t say who he wanted to appoint for whatever it was Tom Brokaw said.  Arrrggghh.  I worry that they write out their answers ahead of time and utilize them regardless of the questions.  It would be so hard to be in a debate.  I was always kind of in awe of kids who were on the debate team. Well, our school didn’t actually have a debate team, but we did have a speech team, and sometimes when we went to “speech meets” with other schools, we’d bump into kids who were also on the debate team.  I can prattle on about subjects I’m “smart” about indefinitely, but if there’s a subject being discussed that I know nothing about, I can’t even begin to pretend.  I kind of wish one of these guys would just say “I have absolutely no idea” every now and then.  Maybe they have at other public events and I just haven’t seen or heard about it.  Fanny May is a dumb name for a mortgage company.  Hey, I just learned that it’s based on the acronym for Federal National Mortgage Association!  FNMA = Fannie Mae (and not May, it turns out)!  Well, wowie zowie ding dong!  I love learning!  Not really!

Now what’s going on?  And what was that point I was going to make about debate team kids?  Was it anything?  Aw, this woman is so nervous and angry asking this question about how can we possibly trust either of these guys with their money in light of the current economic situation.  I love that woman.  That question took guts.  I didn’t realize the economy problems were these two guys’ faults.  Huh!  Well, those jerks!  I better go with my original plan and do a write-in vote for Delroy Lindo.  Did these people think up these questions themselves or have they been assigned?  Anyway, I don’t envy Obama having to answer this, and I also can’t pay attention to him answering this.  It seems sort of insulting that the candidates are insistent on referring to that woman’s questions as “cynicism”, though I can’t put my finger on why.  It’s like they’re telling her she should work on her attitude.  

What would I ask these guys, if I could ask them anything?  I have no idea.  Isn’t that awful?  It seems like I should have something snap right to mind, and for the life of me I really don’t know what I’d ask.  The sad thing is I’d probably try to think of something funny, cause how often you do get an audience that big?  Maybe I’d just ask “Could one of you please explain all this to me?”.  That seems reasonable.  

If I stare at Tom Brokaw really hard and then close my eyes, I can still see him.  What if he never leaves?  What if from now on whenever I close my eyes, there’s Tom Brokaw, silently asking me a question about the economic crisis?  What if I don’t want that to be my life?  

Let me ask my wife how this debate is going, she should know.  Oh, wife?:

“It’s alright.”

Thanks, wife!  We’ll have more insightful commentary like that from Annie later in the blog as the debate progresses!  Oh wait, she wants me to add now that “A more accurate answer would be ‘I don’t know’ “.  Man, if she doesn’t know, I’m never gonna figure it out.  Yuck, I have a really long hair growing out of my ear!  Uggh!  And I’m gonna keep playing with it, I know it, I know me!  I need to trim it with the nose hair trimmers but I don’t want to go get them.  I bet I thought to touch my ear because of all the mentioning of “earmarks” going on.  I still don’t know what those are.  Hey, did you know the Monopoly thing has started up at McDonald’s again?  I can’t believe it’s been a year already.  

John McCain really likes stripey ties.  This one is better than the last one.  While this tie also puts me in mind of candy canes, it at least makes me think of one of those fancy fruity candy canes that cost a little more than the regular candy canes but are totally worth it.  I like regular candy canes too but not on old men’s ties, or at least not on old men who aren’t currently singing in a barbershop quartet, which is a thing that I have never seen John McCain do, which is ultimately why I’m not voting for him.  Granted, I’ve never seen Obama in a barbershop quartet either, but…hey, did they change their ties?  I think Obama’s tie is different.  Maybe not.  Probably not, because when would he have had the chance to change his tie?  McCain hair and shirt are exactly the same color.  He could be draping a scrap of dress shirt over his head and wearing a suit jacket over his bare hairy chest right now for all we know.  

Brokaw just put the smack down.  He called them “you guys”.  That’s fantastic.  Come on, you guys, we gotta do a debate!  You guuu-uuuys!  Come on!  I just saw that woman who emotionally asked the question before in the audience, and she’s making a lot of really skeptical faces.  I think Tom Brokaw is going to have to get violent here in a minute.  He’s gonna tell someone to shut their trap or something.  “I’m gonna get to Medicare in a second” from McCain sounds like a part in “Glengarry Glen Ross” when Al Pacino says “I’m gonna be with you in a second”.  The way he says it is scary.  John McCain: He’s Gonna Get to Medicare in a Second.  The carpet is really red.  

The candidates aren’t going to be able to pretend to hold and lightly shake a somewhat deflated volleyball in front of them tonight because they have to hold the microphone.  

Is nuclear power really “safe” and “clean”, as per John McCain?  I always though nuclear power created mutated fish and stuff.  That isn’t “safe”.  Or “clean”.  I bought a bag of disappointing lollipops a month or so ago and I’m eating some of them tonight just to make them go away.  I don’t know why I can’t just throw them away but I can’t.  And usually I waste food all the time, but apparently I’m reluctant to waste candy due to I’m five.

Wife update.  Now what do you think about the debate thus far, O wife?:

“I think the way I will judge the next debate will be who says the most things I haven’t already heard 500 times.”

Thanks, wife!  That is likely to be the most intelligent sentiment expressed in this entry, until I ask her again later.  Oh, my wife has just thought of another thing to say:

“The winner of this debate is Tom Brokaw.”

Yay!  All hail President Brokaw!  President Brokaw, that’s pretty cool sounding.  I bet he could think of some good stuff to do with the U.S. of A.  Like making Thursday “Free Lunch at Work Day That Your Boss Has To Pay For”.  And he mails you a new kind of interesting snack every month, and it’s always a surprise what it is.  I would be totally okay with my tax dollars paying for that.  Wouldn’t you wake up every day with a huge smile on your face, knowing that sometime that month you’d be receiving “President Brokaw’s Surprise Snack of the Month”.  Obama just said “mammogram”.  I wasn’t expecting it.  Now I have “mammogram” in my head to the tune of “Photograph” by Def Leppard.  Maaaaaaam-mo-graaaaaaaaaaaaam!  Somebody call Weird Al.  Crack the window, I smell royalties!  What?!

McCain just used the word “wherewithal”.  It’s no “festooned”, but it’ll do, it’s a good one.  It’s good to sneak in a vocab word every now and then.  Obama might do well to drop a “maelstrom” in there somewhere.  Man, if you think about it, humans are really pretty well behaved a lot of the time.  There’s really nothing much stopping this audience from running around, yelling, throwing things and acting out.  Annie reports that Obama is answering the “is healthcare a right, a priviledge, or a something else” question well.  A somewhat creepy dude with glasses and sticky-up hair just very calmly asked a question.  He did a good job but he also scared me a little.   There’s a couple of goofy bald dudes sitting in the front aisle that are very distracting.  Wow, I can’t stop looking at them.  I love them.  I wonder how much thought the audience put into what they’re wearing tonight.  Limit your choices to your current wardrobe and put together in your mind the outfit you would select if you were going to go to this debate tonight, and let’s say you’d be sitting in the front room to boot.  That’s something fun for you to think about.  There’s one guy in the audience wearing a mutedly busy plaid type of button-up shirt, and I respect that man’s decision.  

This debate looks like it was taped in the studio that they used to make that show where people sat around a psychic who looked a little like Aidan Quinn and he talked to their dead relatives.  Is that still on?  I remember people being really into that guy, and now I can’t even remember his name.  I watched it more than a few times.  I could never really tell if I was truly enjoying it or not.  I probably was.  It would be funny if someone in the audience threw their wallet at John McCain’s head.  He’d be like “Did someone just throw their wallet at me?”  Katy Hamm just asked a hard-sounding question about Pakistan that I would answer thusly if I were Obama: “Is that the one near Spain?  Spain and the P-one?  Is the P-one Pakistan?”  Right now the camera angle is such that Obama is surrounded by four groins.  It looks like the best doo-wop group ever.  Obama and the Four Groins.  Actually that sounds more like a direct-to-DVD Indiana Jones rip-off.  If he doesn’t win the election he could always look into doing something like that.   You can’t tell me you wouldn’t at least think about renting a direct-to-DVD action/adventure series starring Barack Obama.  

Hey, wife: Who do you think is more effective so far?

“If I had to choose who’s given the more interesting answers so far, that would be Obama.  But I haven’t heard many interesting answers cumulatively.”

I see!

“Does that sound too smart?”

Not at all!

“I don’t like my opinions to be known.”

Sorry!  

Pissing contest going on.  Tom Brokaw’s losing control of the classroom.  He’s so cool, though.  He’s calmer in front of the camera than I am at home watching him.  I wonder if there’s anything that really gets Tom Brokaw’s goat.  I wonder what really pisses him off, or tickles him, or hurts his feelings.  I wonder what he likes for chips.  How about some Tom Brokaw trivia?  Let’s google “Tom Brokaw trivia”.  Maybe I can find a Tom Brokaw quiz game!  Or a website of loltombrokaws!  What will Google find?  All right, here’s a website promising “not commonly known Tom Brokaw facts”, this sounds pretty promising.  Wow!  He received a BA in political science in 1962!  Who woulda thunk it?  What else?  He was a tour guide at Gavins Point Dam when he was 18.  I bet that was the most compelling and sobering dam tour in the history of man.  What else?  He was named after his maternal great-grandfather!  Scandalous!  Hey, one of the bald guys is asking a question about Israel.  McCain shook his hand because he did Navy things.  I’m glad they let one of the bald guys do a question.  I love those bald guys.  McCain just said “stinking corpse”.  That’s a handy phrase for uplifting speeches.  This Tom Brokaw trivia page is for the birds.  Let’s find another one.  Hey, this next page is purportedly my entertainment source for the latest Tom Brokaw gossip!  Wow!  Let’s see…his wife, Meredith, is a former Miss South Dakota.  Also, he received a BA in political science in 1962.  I give up.  

“What don’t you know, and how will you learn it?”  That’s a good question that I’m sure won’t be answered in anything approaching a satisfactory manner by anyone.  It wasn’t.  It’s funny that McCain got in the way of Tom’s teleprompter.  That’s a fun silly way to end it.  And now here’s Brian Williams immediately shitting all over the debate the instant it ends:  “Well, the audience was virtually ignored, Tom Brokaw might as well have been handcuffed to a urinal in the rest room, and McCain and Obama clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves.  And a country’s cries remain unheeded as the flames of economic destruction destroy their homes, melt their faces, and scald their toddlers.  May death come swiftly for us all.  I’m Brian Williams, good night.”  I’m sure he’d think I was an idiot, but I’d like to have a drink with Brian Williams.  Maybe get some nachos as well, or perhaps even an appetizer sampler of some sort.  

I like the Truth Squad thing they do on NBC, where somebody comes on and basically says “Actually, pretty much everything you just saw was made up on the spot, but here’s some legitimately accurate information for you if you’d like”.  As if I would ever be able to know who on this magical box is telling the truth and who isn’t.  Knowing: it’s impossible!  I’m working on a children’s educational program right now based on that very credo.  It’s called “Fuck It, Let’s Watch TV”.  It’s going well.  

And now, some final thoughts from Annie concerning what we’ve just seen: “I’m not over or underwhelmed.  They closed well.”  *shrug*  *bigger shrug*  “I don’t know.  It was fine.  I’m not surprised.  I have to think about it more.”

Fair enough, wife.  I hope you all enjoyed my not-at-all-helpful-or-relevant guide to the 2008 second Presidential debate.  I also hope you sleep well and dream about infinite breakfast buffets.  Good night.

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2 Responses to “THIS SHIT AGAIN.”

  1. This was the first presidential debate I’ve ever watched.
    And it was silly.

  2. I think it’s your sovereign duty to make a loltombrokaws site.

    I laughed so hard about Obama and the Four Groins. And the sobering dam tour.

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