THE DEBATE IS ON TV RIGHT NOW AGAIN!
All right, now we’re watching the vice-president debate. I’m more excited to watch this one because there seems to be more opportunity for comedy. These are odd people who like to say weird things. “Hey, can I call you ‘Joe’?” says Palin, right off the bat, then rattles off 8 or 12 “thank yous”. She’s gotta be shitting her pants right now. I had to look away from the screen whenever they showed segments from her Katie Couric interview, and I never like to have to look away when Katie Couric’s onscreen. Hotchi-botchie ding-dong magooglies!
Palin’s bangs are amazing. Oh geez, she busted out a youth soccer reference already. That’s gotta be on those bingo cards. I can’t tell if she’s saying stupid things or not. It sounds like all the other things everyone always says during debates. I like this moderator. Biden’s head does not look good from the back. He will not win a “Best Debate Hairdo” certificate. I’m staring deeply into the vortex of brunette fireworks that is Sarah Palin’s coiffure. I’m watching this in HD so Palin’s digitized makeup and Biden’s skin tone are really striking. Ha!: “Neither of you really answered that last question!” Gwen Ifill is the moderator to end all moderators. I have a feeling she’s going to be repeating that particular sentiment at various points in the program. Why can’t SHE be vice-president? She’d tear this thing up.
Argggg. “Joe Six-Pack”. “Hockey moms”. She’s not saying anything. It’s just sort of comforting, I guess. I bet she would really get kids to behave in Sunday School. Boy, Joe Biden has a large head, and is tanner than I remembered. Palin is really leaning on the mild oath of “darn”. That word has always made me upset. I wonder how many “darn rights” she’ll be treating us to. She should say “queefing right” instead. Darn is so namby-pamby. This can’t help but feel to me like the kids Thanksgiving table version of a debate. There’s not much tension here. They’re a lot more smiley, and instead of talking about themselves they mostly have to talk about their presidentially-hopeful partners, who if elected will actually get to do stuff.
“Governor, are you interested in defending Senator McCain’s health care plan?” That’s a funny, vaguely unhopeful way of directing her toward the topic. It’s really transparent how badly these two want and need to be seen as regular small-town schnooks. I want to elaborate on this but I’m getting sucked into the hair vortex again. Ouchies!: Biden just got cute and threw in a “bridge to nowhere” jab. I bet he was excited to get that one in there. I have to say, while I have no idea what she’s talking about and can’t really tell how intelligent her input here really is, Palin isn’t coming off as so much of a stammering ninny here. They must have coached the living bajeezus out of her. Biden having some serious trouble with the word “characterized”. Look at how perfectly her locks are wrapped around her skull and draped above her ears. You could spear olives on those bangs.
The veeps are dressed better than the big guys were. They’ve spruced up pretty good. McCain looked like he had to borrow a tie from an unstylish but conveniently nearby Navy buddy. Sad admission: I had to look up McCain on Wikipedia to find out which branch of the armed forces he served in. What else can I learn about him on Wikipedia, now that I have his page on the screen and the debate is disappointingly free of antics? Let’s see…the tie he’s wearing in his Wikipedia portrait is much more flattering than the thing he had on the other week. I think Biden finds Palin kind of cute in that crazy sort of way. His beaming smiles in her direction seem genuine. Like “look at the cute little girl trying to talk about big boy politics”. He’s even nodding solemnly at her when she makes an ostensibly important and sensical point. I heard Palin’s voice quaver very noticeably when Ifill brought up the issue of energy and climate change and other such Ed Begley Jr.-type comments. She accidentally said “petroleum projects” instead of “petroleum products – hmmm! You like how I’m acting like I actually detect a Freudian slip there? Savvy! Basically they’re both saying the environment is really crappy and we should clean it. Good plan, guys. I don’t know, they could be making earth-shatteringly relevant points here and I wouldn’t recognize it, so what the hell am I talking about. I think Palin is actually more comfortable in front of a large audience than in a one-on-one setting. I expected more awkward pauses and complete gibberish than I’m getting. Heh, I think she just called him “Senator Obiden”. I wonder if that unintentional amalgam will achieve the same notoriety as, say, Brangelina. Palin getting dodgy about the same-sex stuff. Now everyone getting dodgy about it. The subject is swiftly changed. Gays are funny and good at picking out clothes but it’s gross if they publicly express their love via a lovely ceremony and a binding document. Bottom line: God didn’t make butts with wieners in mind. It was a happy accident that he deeply regrets, so no getting married, ya gaybees! Was mine the only middle school where kids routinely called each other “gaybee”? Is that how it was spelled? Did it mean “gay bee”? Who invented “gaybee”? Why is “bee” the suffix after “gay” in that insult? Someone please deconstruct “gaybee” for me.
Now I don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re jovially getting in each others’ faces. Palin just went from reaming Biden out to telling him how much she respects him for doing military things. Back to the gay thing: what scares them about the concept of gay marriage? Do people think the country will turn into a humongous living gay porno if people of the same sex can get married? It’s like they think allowing gay people to get married will make the gay people all turn way more gay then the non-gay people are comfortable with. And anyway, gay people are pretty much getting married all over the place regardless. I’ve seen it happen twice with my own eyes, and not once was I privy to anus-raping or unwillingly exposed to Margaret Cho standup. On the other side of the coin, there was also a distinct lack of scintillating lesbian lovemaking. But if gay people want to gussy up and repeat platitudes at the behest of a notary in front of their loved ones as a means of declaring that they wish to silently watch TV with the same person for the rest of their lives, how does that affect these two assholes? I’m voting for Jim J Bullock, that does it!
Heh, Joe Biden just talked about himself in the third person. That’s funny and weird. I think she just called him “Senator Obiden” again. That isn’t his name! You don’t see “Obiden” calling her “McPalin”. Speaking of that, I’m going back to McCain’s Wiki to see if I can learn and share one interesting fact, like his favorite band is Collective Soul, or he spends the majority of his free time playing “Rack-o”, or something. Let’s see…biweekly beatings, omnipresent dysentery, years of torture rendered him incapable of raising his hands over his head, zzzzzzzzz…my knees are cold! What are they talking about now? I wonder what Palin smells like? I bet she smells like freshly laundered sheets. What about Biden? Hmm, that’s a very good question. Maybe like a simple breakfast cooked at camp? It looks like it would hurt really badly if Joe Biden headbutted you.
I’m sorry, everyone. I’m not doing a very good job covering this vice-presidential debate. Palin just said “I beg to disagree with you”. I don’t think that’s a thing you say. This is all a big “my dad can lick your dad” argument. Lick meaning “beat in a fight”, not “pleasure orally”, although I guess it would be funny if out of nowhere they both started yelling “McCain is gonna suck Obama’s dick!”, “Nuh-uh, Obama is gonna tearfully fellate McCain!” at one another. That wouldn’t be a good way to make political points. What if McCain and Palin win and then later we find out they’re having sex? Has anyone envisioned that situation? I know I have. I might go envision it in the shower in a minute if this debate doesn’t pick up the pace. I’ve about had it with Palin’s folksy interjections. “Doggone it”, “sure as heck”, “gadzooks a diddily ding dong donkey feathers”. She just told Biden that his wife’s “reward is in Heaven”. Is that a subtle way of saying she wants Biden’s wife to pass away? Cutthroat!
Gwen is now basically asking the veeps what about them sucks. Palin has apparently chosen to answer by rattling off all her good points. Evidently she has misunderstood the term “Achilles heel”. It would be funny if they went to Biden after that and he said “Well, children disgust me, that’s a problem of mine” or something like that. Heh, Biden is talking about how he makes more money than most people. That’s an admission you don’t hear often. Geez, they both crapped out on the Achilles heel question. Can I tell you how tired I am of the word “maverick”? Biden seems just as sick of the word and is now spouting off about it. It would be funny if he said “John McCain isn’t maverick! ‘Maverick’ is a likable, western-themed knockabout comedy from 1994 starring Mel Gibson and James Garner!”
Man, I’m thirsty! I feel like I’ve been funneling sand. But we drank all the grape soda! What will I do?!?!
Okay, I think it’s over. I remain confused and tired. You know what would really make this debate extra weird? If at the end Seal came out and sang “A Kiss From A Rose” and put his arms around Biden and Palin and they awkward tried to sing along. Or if that song where the dogs bark “Jingle Bells” played over the loudspeakers as they left the stage. Whoever is talking now is saying “whoever came here looking for a train wreck came away disappointed”. That was the most correct thing anyone said all night. I wonder what Biden and Palin are discussing now. What if all of a sudden he roughly pushed her across the stage, or if she slapped him in the face and he then vigorously waggled his tongue? Tom Brokaw is apparently going to moderate the next debate. I guess Flava Flav wasn’t available.
Who is going to win this? Who are we going to be stuck with for the next four years, and how will they do, and will anything change? And should I go get some more grape soda? Is Hannaford even still open? Is it worth leaving the house when I’ve already put my pajamas on? Who IS Darkman?