THE DEBATE IS ON TV RIGHT NOW
Guess what I just read? Ricky Gervais might host the Oscars! I think that’s a fantastic idea. He was the only good thing about the Emmys. We kind of accidentally watched the Emmys in its entirety. I had never watched them before. Is the ceremony always that idiotic? I know we don’t come to awards shows for their stinging wit and profound insight into the human condition, but good Lord man, that was shit! It made us rethink the very idea of televised entertainment. Maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. I take that back, it is, it’s a wonderful idea, the best, my favorite thing, oh I love you. Anyway, it would be very cool if Ricky Gervais got to host the Oscars, which means it probably won’t happen. It’ll probably be someone unspeakably horrible, like the priest from “Deliver Us From Evil”. Or Bill Engvall.
All right, so I’m trying to watch the debate here. We’re about ten minutes in. I have no idea what’s going on, as is generally the case with political programming or discussion of any sort. I have never been able to grasp what these important men are talking about or doing. I don’t know why they want to do what they do, nor do I understand why I should pay attention to it. I’m sure this makes me eight different varieties of idiot, but the fact of the matter is I don’t think this world ought to be controlled by humans, or at least not the current version of human. I think we’re going to have to go through a few upgrades before any of us know how to rule the world.
I never understand anything they say. Even when they’re saying things that technically make sense, I’m unable to process the statement if it’s coming out of the mouth of a man in a suit at a podium. Right now John McCain is talking about “pork barrel spending”. What in the name of Gerald McRaney could that possibly mean? All that phrase does is make me want ribs. So I’m in favor of it. Now they’re talking about “earmarks”. I guess it’s just a language you have to learn and speak if you want to know what the rich people are doing to make things harder and more boring for everyone.
I haven’t understood a thing they’ve said yet. I’m noticing that when one of them is talking, the other one kind of shuts down. They close their eyes, they look down. They flash a rueful smile when their opponent makes a dig. John McCain’s tie is candy-cane colored. They’re really talking a lot about Wall Street and Main Street. We’re Main Street. Did you know that? I didn’t until this election. Main Street. Argh, they’re talking about pork barrel spending again! McCain just said “Look at them, my friends! Look at them!” I don’t know what he wanted me to look at but it’s nice that he wants to be friends. Obama’s ears stick out. It kind of looks like they’d be good to chew on. He just said a bunch of stuff about taxes that made no sense. McCain is blatantly laughing at everything Obama is saying. Now he just used the word “festooned” in a derisive fashion. Not very sporting.
You have to be good at hand gestures if you’re gonna be a president. Obama has an impressive arsenal of hand gestures. He likes to mime that he’s holding a small round object, like a slightly deflated volleyball, and lightly jostling it up and down in front of him. That seems to be his go-to gesture for patient explanation of complex issues. He also occasionally does a thing where he pinches something invisible between his thumb and forefinger and sort of pokes it forward and backward a couple times. He tends to emphasize seemingly insignificant but secretly crucial details with this pinching motion. Hey, he said “deductible”! I understand that term, thanks to my job! Last year I wouldn’t have known what that was. It just goes to show you: you’re never too old to learn! Another thing Obama likes to do with his hands is count on his fingers, which is a great way to get people to start paying attention. People like lists. He likes to indicate upcoming tribulation by thrusting his hand forcefully into the distance.
It seems like they’re going to be talking about the financial crisis for a goodly portion of the debate. It’s so hard to feel anything whatsoever about that thing. I’m constantly in a financial crisis. I don’t think I’ve ever not been in one. See, that’s the thing, I just can’t tie what happens in Washington or New York or Afghanistan or where have you to my life at all. I feel like it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I’m sure this isn’t the case. Actually, I’m not. I’m not sure at all. I just say that to make it seem like at least some part of me cares about politics, so that smart people might at least see me as stupid but not without hope. I perceive no link between me and any of this. I just don’t get it. Annie is extremely politically minded, moreso than I ever would have guessed initially, and she can usually explain certain issues. She’s the only person I’ve ever known who Tivos “Meet the Press”.
The Iraq War has almost cost a trillion dollars. And I felt guilty about buying that “I’d Rather Be Playing Tennis” mug at Goodwill today, waw waw waaaaw. McCain likes counting on his fingers, too. I think I’m more excited for the vice-presidential debate than this one. I have a feeling that’s going to be impossible to look away from. Now McCain is pretending to hold and gently shake a small round object in front of him! Obama looks like he wants to break all McCain’s teeth out with a rock. Somebody’s gonna throw a podium, I think. Obama just said “brazen” and “emboldened” in the same statement. Those are solid vocab words. I think I’ll vote for him.
Someone in the audience just coughed really loud. What I would do if I were going to this debate is set it to record on the DVR, then when I was in attendance I would at some point look at my watch, write down whatever whoever is talking at the time just said, and cough as loud as I could. Then later when I got home I’d fast-forward to the correct number of minutes and wait for the telltale phrase and listen to hear my cough and yell “THAT WAS ME!” at whomever was lucky enough to be present. Another funny thing to do as a member of the audience at the debate would be to yell “BOOO-RING!” in a nasal, sing-song fashion. John McCain just said “The Iranians have a lousy government”. That’s kind of a funny, not-terribly-dignified comment. Why didn’t he just say it sucks ass, while he’s at it?
I have to go into the kitchen and look at the food I bought tonight to determine if I want to put any of it into my mouth.
I’m back. I got a grape soda. It’s very tasty. These guys are talking about Russia now. It’s really confusing that there’s a country called Georgia. Obama just angrily declared “I’ve never said that I object to nuclear waste”. That should go on a tee-shirt.
These guys are both scrappy. Neither is backing down. I’m enjoying the combat of it, despite being wholly unable to follow the content. I like the idea that neither would back down from the threat of physical confrontation, whether they were able to fight back or withstand the attack or not. I think it would be oddly comforting for them to push aside the podium and microphone, take off their suit jackets, and just start housing on each other. Honest and immediate and exciting and easy for everyone to understand.
That’s all I’m gonna say about the debate. I think it’s almost over anyway. You should be able to call in and vote for who you liked best like on “Dancing With the Stars”. That would be a much better voting system. That way I wouldn’t have to go to the stupid Town Hall. I don’t even know where it is. Anyway, in closing, I’ll probably vote for Obama but I have no intelligent reasoning for doing so, other than the fact that most of the people I know would be mad at me if I didn’t, and I only like it when people are delighted by me.