MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN: PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT MOVIES.
Here is a verbatim transcript of the conversation that just took place in the office mere moments ago between three otherwise perfectly wonderful ladies who I work with:
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN 1: Hey, I saw a pretty good movie the other night. It was that…ohhhh, now I can’t think of the title. Somebody’s war. “Charlie Anderson’s War”, something like that.
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN 2: Oh, is that the one with Tom Hanks?
MAW 1: Yup, Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
MAW 2: Ooh, Julia Roberts!
MAW 3: I love Julia Roberts.
MAW 1: And then that other guy, I can’t think of his name. The creepy guy.
MAW 2: Why didn’t they ever make a “Pretty Woman 2”?
MAW 1: You know, the fat guy from “Ka-poat”.
MAW 2: Oh, yuck.
MAW 1: Something Hoffman.
MAW 3: Dustin Hoffman?
MAW 1: Yeah, it must’ve been.
MAW 2: Oh, speaking of movies, we watched a great old movie last night.
MAW 1: Oh yeah? What was it?
MAW 2: “The Punisher”.
MAW 1: Oh, I LOVE that movie!
Wowie! Do you think I’d be fired if I started punching women in the face while simultaneously crying and vomiting on them? I know, I know: Entertainment is subjective, and not everyone remembers every little detail about every movie they watch. I’ve politely pretended to concede both of those tiresome “points” on numerous occasions, and they’re groundless excuses at best. Please like what I like and know what I know at all times, or kindly remain silent in my presence. Much obliged.
And middle-aged men: Please don’t talk about sports or vehicles. I don’t doubt that you know your stuff, but I simply don’t find it interesting, and as such I can’t pretend to talk to you and effectively distract myself from the chirpy, poorly-informed, and baby-obsessed yammering of the women. If you could restrict your innate capacity for goofy enthusiasm pertaining to pointlessly detailed recall to movies, video games, and recent innovations in potato chip flavors, that would help me out a lot.
To sum up, women are stupid and men are boring. Enjoy your day!