EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TODAY, IN RICH DETAIL!

All times approximate.

5:45 AM: Awakened by alarm. Confused as to why this strange little appliance is making such an intolerable racket. Turn off alarm. Becomes slowly apparent that alarm went off because it’s time to get up. Hear computer running in next room. Go to shut it down. Don’t like leaving computer on. Restart computer. Lie down. Realize that I restarted computer instead of shutting it down. Go to shut it down. Shut it down. Lie down.

5:50 AM: Realize that I should reset the alarm clock to ensure that my wife and I get up and attend school and work respectively. Set alarm for six AM. Wonder if this is why the alarm clock mysteriously didn’t go off on Monday. Fall back asleep.

6:00 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:04 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:08 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:12 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:16 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:20 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:24 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:28 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:32 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

6:36 AM: Decide to get up. Wife groggily broaches plan to continue slumber. Sit on corner of bed. Pressure in anus inspires poop contemplation. Decide against it. Cobble together work outfit from various laundry piles and enter bathroom.

6:40 AM: Negotiate water temperature. Slightly too hot upon entering shower, but currently find this to be favorable. Wife enters shower and evidently disagrees with water temperature.

6:45 AM: Decide to use newer bottle of shampoo. Dove. Very creamy and foamy. Spend longer than usual lathering head. Wife attempts to explain dream involving her old boss at Movie Gallery and John Locke from “Lost”. Distracted by lathering.

6:50 AM: Wife leaves shower upon realizing that I am about to rinse my soapy armpits. My tendency to do this with vigor can result in unpleasant splashing of musky runoff. Pits have been smelling lately so I apply soap liberally.

6:55 AM: Exit shower. Dry off. Note scentless armpits with satisfaction. Apply deodorant to pits and powder to buns. Don clothing. Brush teeth. Note in mirror that outfit in no way matches.

7:00 AM: Recontemplate pooping. Note recently acquired old “Late Night with David Letterman” Top Ten List books on tank of toilet with renewed satisfaction. Do not poop.

7:05 AM: Informed by wife that it has snowed, and is snowing. Select brown shoes, and lace loosely. Note wife discarding hard-boiled eggs foisted on her by well-meaning aunties at Easter dinner. With great difficulty, sculpt pizza box into shape that will fit into garbage bag.

7:10 AM: Make intent to exit apartment and start car plain. Descend stairs with garbage bag. Run hand along snowy railing. Note snow is sticky. Though I have no intention of building a snowman today, somehow sticky snow is still some sort of compensation. Trudge across driveway. Note neighbor’s interesting parking job. Drop garbage at curb. Bag blessedly lands in a manner that requires no repositioning. Attempt to discern contents of neighbor’s translucent garbage bag unsuccessful.

7:15 AM: Clear snow off car windows with bare hands. Make little, poorly-formed snowballs and throw them at nothing. Enter and start car. Wipers clear windshield despite initial resistance. Engage heater. Mind incapable of fixating on anything.

7:20 AM: Wife exits apartment. Entreat wife to clear snow off neglected area of windshield. Request granted. Depart shortly, wrong way up one-way street as usual. Surprised by uncharacteristically large gathering of children waiting for bus. Two boys sitting on ground, slapping together terrible-looking construction of indeterminate function. More children seen throwing snowballs at one another further down street.

7:25 AM: Stickiness of snow discussed. Childhood snowplay habits discussed. “Just Give Me Some Kind of Sign, Girl” becomes stuck in head for no apparent reason. Likely to remain there for remainder of day.

7:30 AM: University of Maine reached. Drop wife off at back entrance to Memorial Union. Kiss goodbye. Depart. Enjoy the greenness of a traffic light that rarely exhibits such qualities. Low gas level noted, disregarded.

7:35 AM: Pass only gas station on my route. Mild panic and regret commence.

7:40 AM: Pass both a diner I want to eat breakfast in and a woman waiting for the bus with a Hannaford bag of library books of whom I am jealous in quick succession. Reflect on pleasures of breakfast and books. Note that I am going five miles under speed limit and adjust accordingly.

7:45 AM: Clock on local bank affirms that I am making decent time. Infamously long traffic light that I fail to make handily destroys former affirmation. While waiting for light, realize that trying to do a blog about everything I did and thought today will be no small task. Attempt to mentally piece together last two hours largely unsuccessful.

7:50 AM: The making of two more generally unforgiving traffic lights amends situation. Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot is logicless, physically impossible nightmare of rundown automobiles. Prospect of free coffee awaiting me at work heartening.

7:55 AM: Arrive at work. Parking lot emptier than usual, indicating that a number of employees may have elected to sit out relatively innocuous storm. Member of grounds crew is daintily sprinkling salt on walkway as though he intends to consume it. Enter elevator with two women. Realization that attempts to discern contents of stranger’s nearby tote bag may be regarded as creepy dawns too late to avoid awkward moment.

8:00 AM: I am right on time. Enter office with groggy pride. Bid morning hellos to all. Hellos returned in kind. Surprise expressed by co-workers that I elected to come to work on a day featuring inclement weather. Ball-busting acknowledged with conceding cheer. Neighboring co-worker Lisa ventures that I took borrowed vehicle to work, and laughs heartily when informed she is correct.

8:05 AM: Remove coats, get situated. Attempts made to figure out what I was doing yesterday. Excel and calculator started. Needed files accessed.

8:10 AM: Documents used yesterday make little sense today. Gibberish and gobbledygook. Squint meaningfully at computer screen when co-worker Sandy unexpectedly walks by desk.

8:20 AM: Enter break room to acquire coffee. Break room more populated than I’ve ever seen it. Fill mug with coffee from one of two pump pots. Sandy and co-worker Sarah are there, preparing small breakfasts. Sandy informs me that coffee in the other pot is a lot fresher. Assure her that taste is not a concern. Diarrhetic qualities of coffee implied by Sarah, who is heating up two breakfast hot pockets in microwave. Envy over ownership of hot pockets expressed.

8:25 AM: Approach Higgy’s desk. Higgy greets me by saying “Bring any drugs?” Higgy is my boss. Four miniature candy bars acquired from Higgy’s candy basket: Three (3) Baby Ruths and one Nestle’s Crunch. Weather conditions briefly discussed with Higgy.

8:30 AM: Candy bars and coffee leisurely consumed. Reflect that I never used to like Baby Ruths before working here, and now of the three miniature candy bar brands currently offered by Higgy’s basket (the third brand: Butterfinger), it may now be my favorite. While not as flavorful as other bars, it seems much more satisfying. Realization that satisfaction now more impressive to me than flavor makes me feel old.

8:35 AM: Think about nursing homes. As yet unlikely situation in which Mum dies and Dad calls begging for financial assistance and familial comforting envisioned.

8:40 AM: Begin composing this blog. Coffee indispensable in recalling events of recent past. Intermittently stare at incomprehensible documents.

8:50 AM: Realize that once the morning stuff is out of the way, rest of workday will make for excruciatingly bland reading material.

9:00 AM: Document finally comprehended and dealt with accordingly. Second document easily managed.

9:10 AM: Last Baby Ruth consumed, savored. Third document least comprehensible yet.

9:25 AM: Document photocopied needlessly. Long lost Sharpie located.

9:30: Blog of morning’s events now up to date. Coffee depleted. Need to poop now fully engaged. Go to bathroom. Bathroom empty. Handicapped stall selected. Pants pulled down. Pee. Poop. Someone briefly enters bathroom solely to wash hands. Leaves shortly. Poop hot and clayey. While wiping, envision fanciful situation in which a giant inflates human by blowing into their anus, then pops them like a guts-filled paper bag. “You Make My Dreams Come True” suddenly stuck in head.

9:35 AM: Exit bathroom. Water wanted. Cups in break room, which is as populated as before, but with different people. Cup acquired. Leave break room and nearly make it to office before realizing that I neglected to get any water. Double back to water cooler. Clean and well-dressed man filling large green water bottle. Decide to use another water cooler. Man done filling bottle when I’ve walked about three steps in the opposing direction, but decide going back to the original water cooler would look weird for some inexplicable reason. Water obtained.

9:40 AM: Return to office and write in blog about pooping and getting water. On way back to desk smell, in order of detection: fruit pastry, bananas, and paint. Decide to begin notating happenings manually in notebook, to cut down on risk of discovery.

9:55 AM: Insanely difficult document dealt with. E-mail checked, responded to. Information on grad school and possible apprenticeship at UMaine from wife actually intriguing. Imagine self striding about classroom, amusing attractive young people with expertly timed bon mots.

10:00 AM: Sneeze. Sneeze blessed by co-worker who is good about that sort of thing. Expectorant rubbed into hands.

10:05 AM: Brain now into the swing of things. Officially ready to work!

10:10 AM: Printout for Monday’s “birthday breakfast” for other boss Joanna regarded. Scary graphic of balloon wearing party hat holding another faceless balloon. Have agreed to bring donuts.

10:15 AM: Mysterious Applebee’s takeout menu on my workstation entices co-worker Sandy, who professes a love for shrimp. Have never seen this menu before today; why is it here?

10:20 AM: Crippling fear of accidental deletion assuaged when document found saved under unfamiliar name. Stomach now hurts for nothing.

10:25 AM: Brief but bewildering incident involving Num Lock key.

10:30 AM: Coworker Beth confirms position as World’s Worst Storyteller. Attempt to brush chocolate crumbs off shirt results in smearing. Higgy impersonates The Terminator twice by way of impermanent farewell. He has a doctor’s appointment.

10:35 AM: Acquire 3 more miniature candy bars: 2 Baby Ruths and one Twix. Twix an unexpected holdover from last month’s candy basket selections. Catch glimpse of Applebee’s menu as I return to seat. Have to admit shrimp does look good.

10:40 AM: Bite off half of Baby Ruth to study ingredients. Nougat? Hurriedly jam rest of bar into mouth when Sandy unexpectedly walks by. Women extra sneaky when not wearing nylons.

10:45 AM: Baby Ruth improperly swallowed. Throat now tickley and unclearable.

10:50 AM: NASCAR-themed vacation being discussed. Depends undergarments somehow involved. Topic abruptly switched to Busch Gardens.

10:55 AM: Doug, the office volunteer worker, arrives. Had forgotten it was Doug Wednesday. Doug enthusiastically joins Busch Gardens conversation, but manages to steer conversation (without much finesse) to his recent gall bladder operation. Doug reports that he is feeling much better, but “hasn’t been doin’ too much boogie-in'”.

11:05 AM: Comment on Doug’s enormous Dunkin Donut’s coffee. Unexpectedly in-depth conversation involving our respective caffeine intakes soon underway. Doug reveals that he used to routinely drink entire 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew every night before bed.

11:20 AM: Wastebasket gazed into. Lots of candy wrappers. Feelings of fatness.

11:25 AM: Pee. No one in b-room. Mind wanders while drying hands. Get water and drink it. Spill a little. Unidentifiable co-worker exits office and runs full-tilt down hallway.

11:30 AM: Notice for first time today an empty water pitcher and a potholder with 3 cats meowing at balls of yarn on my workstation.

11:35 AM: Itchy legpit.

11:40 AM: Domino’s thin-crust bacon pizza mentioned in e-mail. Now extremely hungry.

12:00 PM: Leave for lunch. Go to Leadbetter’s gas station, where I like to buy food lately. Place is packed. Regular rednecks and redneck businessman. Difference is redneck businessmen wear Dockers. Old man taking a long time getting red hot dogs out of thing. Get rolls with tongs and attempt to get hot dog but the one I want is inexorably linked to another hot dog. Attempt to separate by pinching connector with tongs a failure. Get different hot dogs. Put ketchup and mustard on one and just ketchup on another. New colors of Amp available! Orange and blue! Decide on blue. Also get little tin of Pringles “Grab N Go” pizza-flavored chips and a Gosselin’s chocolate butternut donut. Pay. Grab free issue of “The Maine Edge” and go to eat in car.

12:10 PM: Eat. Hot dogs good as usual. Pringles too much powder but good. Look at ingredients and understand what Bob meant on “The Biggest Loser” last night by phrase “empty calories”. Amp is berry flavored, not bad. Parked car badly. Donut quite good. Nicely full. Didn’t read free paper.

12:30 PM: Return to work.

12:35 PM: Get to office. Resume work. Doug gone.

12:45 PM: E-mail from wife detailed 2 falls she took at school today. Worrying about possible brain tumor. Resist urge to make hackneyed “Kindergarten Cop” reference.

12:50 PM: Usual post-lunch divorce discussion in progress.

1:05 PM: Mouth won’t stop tasting like hot dogs.

1:10 PM: Sarah uses Higgy’s M&M dispensing machine knowing full well sound of M&Ms clinking will make me want some. Luckily hot dog mouth is making me sick. Thanks, hot dog mouth!

1:20 PM: Suddenly remember that virtually all our clothing at home is dirty. Ponder options. Just as suddenly remember that wife recently bought a new paper shredder. Fantasize about shredding unneeded documents.

1:25 PM: Someone in office: “Ha! Painted Easter butts!”

1:30 PM: Higgy returns from doctor’s appointment. Ladies jokingly accuse Higgy of receiving a mammogram. Higgy replies that in fact that is exactly what took place. Awkward silence and hushed speculation follows. Subject dropped without further investigation.

1:35 PM: Accused by co-worker Amanda of bringing nearby box of fancy “English Breakfast” tea to work. Truthfully claim ignorance. Where’s all this weird crap on my desk coming from?!

1:45 PM: Sarah needs to record audio for PowerPoint presentation at my workstation. Can’t make noise!

1:50 PM: Sarah must wait for office discussion re: fat people wearing thongs to end before she can start recording. Office notified that she will soon be recording, to little avail.

1:55 PM: Instant she begins recording, a voice in background says “I have stinky sneakers!” Project abandoned shortly thereafter.

2:05 PM: Higgy on phone: “I’m never sick! I’m a MAAAAAAAAN!”

2:10 PM: Suddenly remember existence of once-ubiquitous song “Take My Picture” by Filter for virtually no reason. Only song playing in office currently is “Lean on Me”, which does not sound like “Take My Picture”. Have not thought of this song in perhaps years. Why think of it now?

2:15 PM: Sandy’s fiancee Steve shows up to visit, talks about recent back injury.

2:20 PM: Steve leaves, says goodbye to Higgy, who replies “Bye, I love you!”

2:30 PM: Check Netflix to ensure they have sent “The Best of Hootenanny Disc 1”. All is well.

2:50 PM: Convinced nothing of interest is going to happen for remainder of afternoon.

2:55 PM: Laugh at something I write in e-mail to Tori. Reflect on past instances in which I have been hilarious.

3:00 PM: Pee. Awkward moment when departing co-worker Dennis and I say goodbye to one another and then both go into bathroom.

3:05 PM: Possibly should have pooped while in bathroom. Anus up to something.

3:20 PM: Still drinking this stupid blue Amp. Caffeine having no effect.

3:30 PM: Break time. Adjourn to break room and read a bit of “Notes from a Small Island” by Bill Bryson. Have another coffee against better judgment. Chat about the grossness of Amp with co-worker Lori. Briefly distracted by weird-looking ketchup packet.

3:45 PM: Get water and return to office. Resume working after watching vibrant maze screensaver for awhile.

3:55 PM: Neck hurts. Face itches. Butt weird. Check AV club site briefly. Nothing of interest.

4:00 PM: Higgy leaves, after giving me a detailed description of his plans to remove his snow tires tonight.

4:05 PM: Marvel quietly at Tori’s yarn obsession. Coffee getting lukewarm and nasty. Higgy’s phone ringing nonstop now that he has left.

4:15 PM: Left ear plugged.

4:20 PM: Pouring water in mouth and wiggling tongue around makes fun ploppy sound.

4:25 PM: Drop pen. Good excuse as any to officially stop working.

4:30 PM: Depart work! Pee first.

4:35 PM : Return to office because forgot notebook filled with notes of everything I did today. Redepart.

4:40 PM: Windy and weird and dark and wet outside! Maybe have seen girl from my high school class in lobby but we were both moving too quickly to discern. Beauty of rainbow outside somehow not diminished at all by the fact that it hangs directly over Lowe’s.

4:45 PM: Pathetic amount of gas reluctantly purchased.

5:00 PM: Pretend to give lecture on creative writing to impressed class of hipsters on drive home.

5:15 PM: Arrive home. Informed by wife that car dealership has fixed the troublesome car we just bought last month. Briefly discuss wife’s falling problems and grad study program at UMaine.

5:25 PM: Leave for car place. Nervous about car not starting again.

5:30 PM: Topic of tumors reemerges. Decide to employ trusty if overused “Kindergarten Cop” line after all. Reaction slightly better than expected.

5:45 PM: Arrive at car place. Get in Sentra. Won’t start on (admittedly brusque) first attempt. Heart sinks. Want to die. Retry. Starts. Freak out about this for remainder of ride home.

5:55 PM: Frenzied, often angry back-and-forth about shitty car continues. Pay no attention to road and have no idea how we got home.

6:20 PM: Stop at Burger King drive-thru. 2 cheeseburgers without ketchup for Annie, Whopper meal for me. Debit card declined! What?! World ending! Identity theft! Everything gone! Annie pays with her card.

6:25 PM: Worst fears come true! Living pointless! An ugly loser for life! Everyone evil!

6:35 PM: Get home. Check account online on bank website. Still have $. Nothing looks off. Everything okay. Head and stomach ache now! Won’t sleep tonight!

6:40 PM: Annie’s burgers have ketchup on them. Now she knows how it feels to be LOATHED BY GOD!

6:45 PM: Eat food and watch Frasier. Good, relaxing Frasier. Forgot to request cheese on Whopper. Fuck my pussy.

6:55 PM: Food gone. Lie on bed. Worry about everything.

6:55 PM: Cuddle with wife.

7:00 PM: Seinfeld.

7:15 PM: Reluctantly agree to rub wife’s back.

7:20 PM: While repositioning to more easily rub wife’s back, accidentally kick her in the back of the head.

7:25 PM: Sitting on wife’s butt rubbing her back. Have to fart. Chivalrously cover butt with hand so don’t fart on wife, not taking into account fact that I would thereafter be rubbing wife’s back with farted-on hand. It really smells.

7:30 PM: Entertainment Tonight comes on. About to change channel, but segment on Priscilla Presley’s botched plastic surgery interests wife. And me.

7:35 PM: Learn that Priscilla Presley has stuff used to fix cars in her face.

7:40 PM: Try out different smiles on wife because I never smile and want to find a good one. Wife laughs at all of them, occasionally covering my face with her hand while in hysterics.

7:45 PM: Fall asleep.

7:55 PM: Wife wakes me up by flopping my lower lip with finger to make popping sound.

8:00 PM: Wife watching “American’s Next Top Model”. Decide to type up blog from notes. Stomach hurts.

8:05 PM: Go to poop and there is – I’m not lying – no toilet paper. Entreat wife to bring me paper towels, of which there are only two individual sheets left. Do my best.

8:10 PM: Use dying flashlight to see inside computer case so I can reattach the piece necessary for starting computer that keeps falling off. Start computer.

8:15 PM: Make 2 pretty terrible Scrabulous moves.

8:20 PM: Begin typing the above.

9:45 PM: Done typing the above. Vow to do nothing interesting for remainder of evening so I can stop doing this.

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7 Responses to “EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TODAY, IN RICH DETAIL!”

  1. toriryan Says:

    It’s true. I love the crap out of yarn,

    YARN!!

    I wish I knew how to add a picture.

  2. All right – this is now my new favorite blog ever. You jerk.

  3. butthorn Says:

    Truthfully, in all seriousness, few things are more rewarding to me than a begrudging compliment. Thank you!

    I would recommend this experiment to anyone! Taking account of absolutely everything that happens to you or around you during a regular day makes life real weird. It’s a lot of work but it transforms the most offhand comment or routine gesture into something fascinating.

  4. Is the legpit the area behind your knee, or that crevice in between your pelvis and upper thigh? Because I can see it being either one.

  5. I asked the exact same question! I figured he either meant knee pit, or he was scratching an R-rated itch.

  6. I’m a new fan that was fished in by the Commodore 64 stuff (blame Bill). Nice to know I’m not the only one with a sentient anus.

  7. Wow.

    Every job I have worked in the Bangor are has involved a ‘Doug’- I suspect your Doug would have to be one of them. I think the head of billing where I used to work was a Sandy. I bet some of these characters are the same- there just can’t be that many Dougs in the world.

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