THURSDAY NIGHT SQUALOR 4: INANE REFERENCE TO 4TH SEQUEL IN 80’S MOVIE FRANCHISE

First of all, to the person who reached my blog yesterday by entering “tommy lee jones naked” into a search engine, I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies. I know how disappointed you must have been.

And now, on with the filth!

KITCHEN TABLE:

I happened to stop at the Walmart near my workplace on my way home tonight, with the intention of purchasing a USB cable for our new printer/scanner, and of course leaving with 87 other things of dubious necessity. I have a secret shameful fondness for Walmart. Rarget is probably a…Rarget? Where’s that store? Is that a new store? Rarget? It sure sounds a lot like “Target”. They’re gonna get sued if they’re not careful. Anyway, TARGET is probably a better store overall, but I’m more inclined to find products of interest at Walmart, and I love looking at all the weird off-brand cookies and fumbling through the huge bin of $5 DVDs. I could look through that bin all day. In fact, I nearly purchased “Married to the Mob” and “Radio”, but somehow resisted. I swear I didn’t go to Walmart simply to buy more interesting things to take pictures of for TNS. In fact, I really don’t feel like doing this blog at all right now. How do you like THAT? Thursday’s paycheck day, and is consequently the day of the week I’d be most likely to buy, say, a box of Boo Berry. I’ve never had it! I’ve always been curious about it, but tonight is the first time in ages that I could recall encountering it in a store, and it was only $1.99, so I pounced on it. Then I got up, brushed myself off, calmly took another non-decimated box of Boo Berry, apologized to the nearby weeping child, and made my way to the registers.

Again, the Boo Berry really stands out here, doesn’t it? Man alive, that Boo Berry is one elated son of a bitch. Yet vaguely apologetic in the eyebrow region. Like he’s saying “YUM….right?” I haven’t had an honest-to-goodness bowl of the stuff yet, but I got impatient and tried a handful. It’s tasty! As is that salsa in front of him. It’s pineapple-peach salsa. It’s not quite spicy enough for our sadistic palates, but I like it better with each glop. I got that Maine Gazetteer for Annie, as wasting money on her makes me feel less guilty about wasting money on me. And yet that really only results in further wasted money. But a happier spouse! Atlases and maps and the like are very compelling to her. Never a dull moment in the Stover household.

There’s the USB cable, amid a Netflix (Boston Legal Season 2, Disc 1), some of Annie’s school junk, a ream of paper I absconded from work with, a scarf…this really isn’t a very interesting picture. Just looking at it is depressing me. I think it’s because it doesn’t feature an enormous picture of Boo Berry’s face. I may need to carry a picture of Boo Berry in my wallet with me at all times from now on, just to maintain a reasonably upbeat disposition.

I don’t know what’s going on with Boo Berry and that “Haunted Rooom” of his. I’ll have to investigate that further. It’s easy to forget that Boo Berry is actually a dead person, and as such is probably prone to doing some weird stuff, like spelling “room” with three o’s, for example.  So there’s some orange tropical Trident. I’m really into Trident these days. It’s a really solid gum, and you get a lot in a pack. I’m trying out all the flavors. In the back there is a thing of Little Debbie snack cakes, called “Be My Valentine”, which now that I look at it, what kind of name for a snack is that? “Mmm, these Be My Valentines are fantastic!” I guarantee you no one wants to say that. “Holiday Themed Snack Cake: Valentine’s Day Edition” would have been catchier. “Frosted Aortas” would have been a better name. I grabbed these at the last minute, because I realized I hadn’t picked out anything for dessert, and these were right near the cash registers, and I’d already been at the store for 45 minutes, and that’s about the breaking point, even for people who actually enjoy being in Walmart, so going all the way back to the food area wasn’t happening. I like Little Debbies a lot, actually, but if I had it all to do over again, I’d get some brownie mix, just between you and me.

But most exciting of all in this picture is, quite obviously, those Star Wars Heroes & Villains playing cards! It looks like a cassette in the picture, but it’s cards! What say we take a closer look at those?

Being a fan of Star Wars, card games, and things that cost $4.99, I couldn’t afford to pass up this purchasing opportunity. You get two full decks of cards: one with pictures of all good guys, and one with all bad guys. Positively ideal for a fun night of Star Wars canasta. Probably not very good for poker, though. One little outcry of “Oh sweet! Admiral Ackbar!” and next thing you know you’re broke.

Here’s a look at a few of my favorite cards:

Every card has a nice big colorful picture on it, and I was pleased to see that there were no repeats. You get 104 different Star Wars characters on these cards. Actually a few more than that, counting jokers. From what I could tell, in each deck they dedicate two suits to the old wonderful Star Wars movies and two suits to the new shitty Star Wars movies, which I GUESS is only fair. I suppose it’s too much to ask that George Lucas completely disregard parts one through three in terms of merchandise. Most everyone you’d want to see on a Star Wars playing card is present and accounted for, and I could only think of a few glaring (to me, anyway) omissions (no Zuckuss? no representatives from the Max Rebo Band?). Overall, though, there were enough pleasant surprises to make this totally worth buying. I mean, they gave Nien Numb his own card, for Pete’s sake. That alone earns this set a solid recommendation.

Above are four of my favorites from each deck. I know everybody always gets all excited over “slave” Leia, but I’m rather partial to her sassy Hoth outfit myself, and I was happy and surprised to find that particular ensemble showcased here. Half the fun for raging geeks in buying something like this is finding out which characters got a card and which didn’t, so I won’t reveal any more, but suffice it to say that the 8 year old in me was quite content. Now bring on the GI Joe Heroes & Villains deck!

I can’t believe I’ve only finished the kitchen table section so far. I’m going to shoot myself.

SINK:

Same sink, different day. There are actually not as many dishes in the sink as it looks. Most of that room is being taken up by a giant wok cover. You’ll notice I finally washed the colander. No applause, please, no applause, thank you, thank you. Speaking of that, someone also reached my blog by searching for “washing colanders”. Someone actually spent a part of their day searching for “washing colanders” on the internet. I wanna party with that guy. The mixing bowl is about the only item here that’s any different from usual. That’s a really good mixing bowl, by the way. It has that grippy stuff on the bottom of it. I believe they call it “rubber”.

Again, I’ve washed many dishes this week, as I am a fine, fine man. The siding of the counter is peeling very unattractively in the foreground there. Someone good at fixing things should come here and fix that. Right above that peeling siding, kicking off a brand new TNS feature, is this week’s…

MUG OF THE WEEK!

What better way to commemorate a rarely-discussed war effort than a nondescript coffee mug? This isn’t one of our favorites, but it was right there, so I took a picture of it. We got it at a Salvation Army or a Goodwill, but I can’t help but wonder where it was originally purchased. Did they hand these out at boot camp? It kind of looks like a tiny plane has just flown out of this soldier’s ass and is about to crash into his head. No reports would indicate that anything even approaching this level of intensity actually occurred during Operation Desert Storm. Despite its bland, all-one-color art, it’s a pretty good mug as it goes. It holds the perfect amount of coffee, and the handle is nicely sized. I have fat fingers, so I like a big, roomy handle. It’s not a mug I typically seek out, but I’m never upset to have to use it. It does the job, and it’s just interesting and odd enough to avoid being returned to the secondhand shop from whence it came. Could be the start of a war subgenre within our burgeoning mug collection. Here’s hopin’!

COUNTER TOP:

Things.

At this point I think it’s likely that ABC will produce a second season of “My So-Called Life” before Annie ever sends those DVDs to her poor sister. Wilson Cruz, if you’re reading this, please call my wife and tell her to get off her duff and give her sister the gift of angst! Seriously, Wilson Cruz, my wife would be psyched if you called her on the phone, whether you’re giving her a mild tongue-lashing or simply calling to discuss your delightful supporting turn on “Noah’s Arc”.

I don’t think that cow cookie jar in the back there has ever really poked its head into any of these pictures, so that’s kind of nice. It’s currently filled with Oreos that are probably the consistency of cloth at the moment, but that shouldn’t be a reflection on our opinion of the cookie jar. We just don’t buy cookies that often, and when we do, we don’t tend to store them in a ceramic jar. It’s nice to have a personable-looking cow on ones counter top, though.

Man, I couldn’t turn around without bumping into a terrific bargain last night. Annie wanted me to go out and buy some wine last night, which I didn’t want to do at all, but we needed gas and I knew I’d probably be late to work if I stopped the following morning, so I went out to take care of both tasks. First of all, at Irving they were giving away free Reese’s peanut butter cups with every fill-up, so you better believe I took advantage of that deal. Noted wine specialists Rite Aid didn’t have the exact wine Annie was hoping for (“Il Bastardo”, a delicious and potent red) , but they did have bottles of something called “Five Corners” wine, and for $2.99 each! That meant I could theoretically get three bottles for the price I would have paid for one bottle of Il Bastardo! I only got two, though, since three bottles of wine would have been cumbersome to carry. It turned out to be perfectly good wine, especially for the price. Isn’t wine just the best? Nothing beats it. I then thought popcorn might be good to have, so I went over to the appropriate aisle, and lo and behold, Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn was buy one get one free! Everything I wanted to buy had an excellent bargain associated with it! What an splendid week of commerce I’ve had.

COFFEE TABLE:

Nothin’ much goin’ on here. Fiddle-dee-doo. I’m so sick of looking at that Wiimote I could puke.

I did some tidying up this week during a caffeine-fueled meltdown on Tuesday, and this nice neat stack of books was a result.

I never show you guys what’s under the coffee table. This is it. I need to return that Super Mario Galaxy to my cousin. I recently found my old Matt Groening cartoon books while going through some stuff on Tuesday. Those are still just as funny as they were back in seventh grade when I first looked at them. “The Simpsons” are great and everything, but I’ll take “Life in Hell” anyday.

These socks were balled up on the couch, and for some reason they called out to me to photograph them. It kind of looks like a big gross satellite of some sort, stinking its way through space. I think this would make for an outstanding desktop wallpaper.

Let’s get the bedroom area over with.

END TABLE:

So that’s where the aforementioned empty bottle of Il Bastardo ended up, and I would imagine those two glasses once held that very liquid. Remotes, binder, candy canes, sock. The usual.

BED AREA:

Annie’s:

Educational debris. I notice that pink sock is still in town. Wow, she bought a Time magazine! I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone in my life who’s ever done that! My wife is interested in current events!

And now my side:

Nice to see that the ketchup found its way back into the refrigerator. A few new paperbacks. I just finished “Rabbit, Run” and that Uncle Scrooge comic, and they were both excellent. Under Scrooge is a Guns N Roses biography that isn’t nearly as sleazy as it ought to be. Wires and Entertainment Weeklys round out the night.

Well, that’s your TNS for this week, February seventh, 2008, and until next Thursday, this is Jeremy Stover wishing you a restful evening, a squalid weekend, and Danny Glover naked.

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6 Responses to “THURSDAY NIGHT SQUALOR 4: INANE REFERENCE TO 4TH SEQUEL IN 80’S MOVIE FRANCHISE”

  1. Rabbit, Run! Aargh. At least Marlys is there to balance things out. Her angst is so much groovier.

  2. A John Updike/Lynda Barry collaboration would be pretty exciting. Rabbit Meets Marlys. I don’t think they’d get along.

  3. Is that a Seth cover on that Dorothy Parker book?

    Gotta agree with you on Hoth Leia. Very cute look for Carrie. Of course, I always enjoy seeing cute girls at comic conventions dressed as Slave Leia, but it works less for me with Leia herself, mostly because by that point, her voice sounded like she was eating Marlboros. And then she ends up as Hippie Earth Mother Ewok Hugger Leia by the end, and who wants that? Nope… Empire-era Leia is really her highpoint.

    I’ve talked about this for far too long. Nien Numb rules.

  4. That is indeed the always-attractive work of Seth.

    I’ve long thought about how cool it would be if they made a Star Wars movie that was just about the adventures of Lando and Nien Numb. Can you imagine how much money that sucker would make? Every thirtysomething male in the world would be ten bucks poorer the week that came out. It could consist of LC and NN constantly being pursued by the jealous husbands/boyfriends of the ladies Lando is always fucking!

    Sort of a Smokey and the Bandit meets Empire Strikes Back kind of thing. I guess that would make Nien Numb the Jerry Reed character, which isn’t really THAT far off. Their speech patterns are both incomprehensible. I for one would pay big money to hear Nien Numb cover “Eastbound and Down”.

  5. If I could go back in time, I’d try to convince George Lucas that a series of Lando/Nien Numb buddy comedies would be a much better idea than the prequel trilogy.

    Probably a frivolous use of time travel, but I think we’d all be much happier as a result. Besides, every story I’ve ever read where someone goes back to kill Hitler or something goes horribly wrong. I’d rather do something that I know will certainly come out right in the end.

  6. Davey Jones Says:

    Yeah I just got here with the search term “I fucking hate washing colanders” because I fucking hate washing colanders. Always there, mocking me, impossible to wash properly, causing me to get huge volumes of water on the kitchen floor.

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