I failed to make it to work today due to a car that is not good. Among the things that don’t work well on it are: brakes, the steering wheel, the CD player, the tires, and whatever it is that usually stops the car from making a SCREEEEEEEEEEE sound like the victims in director Abel Ferrara’s underrated 1993 remake “Body Snatchers”. The heat works well, though. And the seats support weight. I forgot to mention the windshield wipers. Those don’t work too well, either. Bottom line: don’t buy used cars from your dad’s mechanic who lives in the woods. I shouldn’t knock it too much. It generally gets us to where we need to go, but not without complaint. I came very close to rear-ending a guy on my way to work this morning, and the roads really weren’t THAT terrible. If we’re going to live in Maine, a car that can withstand “mixed mess” is pretty crucial.

It’s looking like my temp job may be finally drawing to a close, so that should make for a fun month of eating lint and pleading with rarely-contacted relatives. By the third week of the month we’ll no doubt be reeating and repooping the same poop. Or getting all our meals from the dollar menu at McDonald’s, which is roughly the same thing. Is the quote “February is the cruelest month”? Don’t bothering researching, I don’t really care, because if that isn’t the quote, then whoever said that is wrong and hopefully dead of something that lingered. February’s quick and shitty, like Bruce Lee hitting you in the nuts. That would be terrible! February’s not THAT bad! But still, the weather sucks, nothing’s going on, and everyone’s usually in a crap mood because they’ve had it with winter. They try to spiff February up a little by sticking Valentine’s Day in there, but that day probably causes more fights than anything else. We usually buy a new video game system on Valentine’s Day, but that doesn’t look like a possibility this year, which is actually fine because our Xbox fever seems to have pretty well died down, if not out, and I’ve never met anyone who was psyched to buy a PS3, least of all us. What else sucks about Feb? Oh yeah, another way they (who’s this “they” I seem to think tampers with months?) try to make February look better is to give it fewer days, but that’s a huge ripoff because now you’re paying full rent for a seriously truncated month. Nothing feels worse than writing out the February rent check, unless Bruce Lee walks in and hits you in the nuts as you’re making it out. February is a good deal for landlords and Russell Stover, and that’s about it. At least one Stover’s doing well by February. And I have no idea whether I’m related to him or not, but thanks for asking, everyone I’ve ever met!

So the plan is to get a job. A real one, preferably. One with some security that doesn’t require me to lift heavy things or exert myself in any real way. One in Orono would be wonderful. I really don’t have anything in particular against Brewer, other than it sucks and it’s crappy, but as long as we’re reliant on a random conglomerate of metal and rubber that through some stroke of magic somehow manages to propel itself down the road every now and then, the fewer miles between me and work, the better.

I’m enjoying a pot of David Lynch coffee all to myself on my day off, so that’s probably fueling this rant. I don’t know if it’s worth what we paid for it (it really was an embarrassing amount), and it certainly wasn’t worth putting up with the ceaselessly flowing horseshit of UPS. I like to pronounce it phonetically: “you piss”, as in “you piss on the very notion of customer service”. Anyway now that the DL coffee is here and made and in my cup and down my throat, it is, to be corny and obvious, damn good coffee. I am going to pour myself more of it and then I might even clean this depressing pigsty up a little, provided I can pry myself away from Luxor 2, which is officially the most addictive video game I have ever had the misfortune of downloading to my computer. Adieu, accomplishment.


3 Responses to “EAT IT, FEBRUARY!”

  1. 1) I never asked if you were related to Russell Stover. It never occurred to me until now.

    2) I know you didn’t want to know, but it is APRIL that is the cruelest month, per TS Eliot. He lived in England, though, so he did not have February in Maine to contend with.

    3) Please save me some David Lynch coffee. I had a dream about it three days ago!

  2. 1) Well, I still don’t know!

    2) But April has my birthday in it! Shows what T.S. Eliot knows. T.S. probably stands for “The Stinkpot”.

    3) I’m drinking every last drop of it today! Enjoy those dreams!

  3. 1) Probably not

    2) February has MY birthday, and I didn’t whine about it, Mr. Whingypants

    3) Fuck you. *runs off crying*

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