THURSDAY NIGHT SQUALOR: 01.24.08 (EPISODE 2)
One of the many weird things about making a weekly blog examining your filthy apartment in minute detail is an omnipresent awareness of change. Every magazine we toss aside, every cup we set down, hell, every piece of bread we eat out of a loaf forever alters the potential artifacts that will eventually appear in the following Thursday’s TNS. In a sense, TNS has transformed our apartment into one big sculpture, to be thoughtlessly slapped together at our leisure over the period of a week. I wouldn’t call this new perspective “exciting” exactly, but it’s an eye-opening flip of an odd little switch.
Whaddaya say we get right down to it?
All right, Mr. Table is kinda similarly cluttered this week. I see that Annie’s purse has found a new place to be. That Hannaford mag is nowhere to be found. Actually, where the hell did that go? That was there this morning! I’m calling the police! Looks like quite a bit more mail. No Netflixes to be seen. It doesn’t look that much different from last week, yet I’m pretty sure that most everything on the table wasn’t there last week, barring the flowers and the cow. Let’s delve further!
Those are some pretty snazzy socks! And what better storage facility for them than the kitchen table? Outstanding! Looks like a Geico bill over there by the ice tea, good times. That green pen makes me want a lime Runt! Oh THERE’s the Hannaford mag, under what would appear to be a W-2. Oh thank God.
Cruisin’ countah-clockwise around the table, we come across yet another repellent book from Annie’s classes: “Sex Camp”. Can’t say I’m not intrigued. That furry thing down there is a hat of mine, I’m ashamed to report. Good old yellow lined notebook there. Once again, our cow pepper shaker’s ass, everyone. Drink it in.
Some neatly piled clothing. Mail atop a calzone take-out box from oft-patronized Angelo’s Pizzeria. Little to discuss here. The price tag on that ice tea bottle is really vibrant.
In closing, this is an aerial shot of the kitchen table. I decided to include one this time, and may well get into the habit of beginning every “Kitchen Table” section with an overhead shot like this. I feel it gives you a better overview than my usual opening shot from the hallway. In hindsight, I don’t know why I didn’t just do that this time. It would have been a lot easier, frankly. Much, much easier. Would have saved a lot of time. A lot of time. And time doesn’t grow on trees. It does not. No sirree, no time trees out there. Just a lot of darkness. Cold, cold darkness. Cold, cold heart. Undone by yoooooou. Some things look better, baby. Just passin’ throooooooough. And it’s no sac-ri-fi-yi-ice. Just a simple wooorrrrd. It’s two hearts liiiii-vin’. In two separate woooorrrrrlds.
Hey, let’s look at a sink!
Now this area has noticeably worsened. Looks like we just piled a bunch of coffee cups and dainty Oriental-themed bowls on top of the crap that was in there last week. And I’ll tell you, there’s a very, very good reason it looks that way. The junk on the sideboard to the right looks dismayingly unchanged. You’ll note (well, you will once I point it out) that I took the silverware out of the little mug by the faucet. I bust my ass for this stinking place! And for what? For WHAT?!?!?
Here’s the always impressive side shot of this misery. I took it upon myself to put away most of the things that were drying on the dishrack last week, except, for whatever reason, one glass and a portable coffee cup. To the left, by the microwave, the crock pot and a cake pan have begun their interminable wait for cleansing. They’re new to TNS. Say hello, fellas! Ha ha ha! They can’t talk. But the various fungi growing in them probably can by this point.
Hey, look who’s here! It’s my dear, sweet wife, Annie! Why, Annie, whatever brings you to this particular area of the…wait a second! What are you doing? Are those cups? Are you…CLEANING? How DARE you make these last minute changes?! You know full well what day it is! This completely goes against everything that TNS stands for! I won’t put up with this! I won’t!
Now what are you doing? Why are you standing near the garbage can in an ungainly fashion with a guilty look on your face? You didn’t put anything INTO that garbage can, did you?DID you?!
Get out of the way! Let go of the trash can! Now you’re humiliating BOTH of us! Yuck, what’s that shit on the stove? Come on, let go! You have no right to keep this information from me
Aha! A McDonald’s cup! I might have known! From the bedroom, no doubt! And that Victoria’s Secret catalog was on the table this morning! I was looking forward to making snide comments about that! Look at her! Mocking! Laughing victoriously! Even from the bottom of a garbage can, her tanned, glistening disdain knows no bounds.Women! They’ll drive ya bonky-bazookers!
Anything funky fresh happening’ on the ol’ countertop?
Hmm, really not seeing a lot of change here. Maybe a closer look will uncover hidden treasure!
Hey look, it’s the “My So-Called Life” DVD box set. So nice to still have it with us. Lorrie did give Annie her address over the phone recently, though, so we’re halfway there. The credit cards, hair ties, and handled floral gross-candy container are still doin’ the do. I’m halfway through that loaf of Country Kitchen Lite. I have a new slogan for Country Kitchen Lite, if anyone from that company is reading this. Ready? Here it is. “Country Kitchen Lite Bread: It Tastes Like You’re Eating a Fucking Washcloth”. A few coins have joined the par-tay. What up, coins?
I got a new keychain for my keys! It’s green and long and says “Bangor Public Library” on it! Hmm, I wonder what the story is with those two orange dots about a foot and a half apart? What orange things have we eaten this past week? Well, nothing to gain but severe depression from making a list like THAT. Looks like the Snyder tortilla chips raped the Tostitos into nothingness over the course of the week. Nice work, guys. My checks are still keepin’ it real, and looks like the Ziplock bags have come out of the cupboard to see what’s what. No strangers here, Ziplock bags. Only friends we haven’t met.
The granola bars are no longer with us, I’m devastated to report, and it looks like the vitamins have found better things to do this week, but the hot chocolate knows a quality powwow when he sees one! He ain’t goin’ nowhere. Pen cup and the camera/Jolly Rancher chalice still hangin’ in there, and who’s this? Welcome to the chalice, orange-handled scissors! And perhaps the flashiest addition to the countertop, our very own fingernail clippers. For no intelligent reason that I can readily provide, I took quite a few pictures of the fingernail clippers. Here are a couple of my favorites:
That looked better earlier. I really have a hard time posting vertical pictures. Dimensions piss me off. They’re so uppity.
Mysterious, yet sleek. Mysterious + sleek = blurry, by the way.
Blenbvansbui4hsnl;askglj! I’m sick of typing!
I love taking pictures of the top of our coffee table. It always looks fantastic. And hey, there’s part of my coat down there, sneaking into the shot. I just love all the inanimate objects in my life.I don’t think the Wiimotes have moved at all from last week’s position. Guess we haven’t been playing video games much lately. Well, what else is crack-a-lackin’?!
A couple examples from our vast and colorful coffee mug collection. The one with the guy with tree legs watching TV is a mug that my friend and Videoport co-worker “Bald Matt” got for us when he was in some foreign country somewhere. The Northern Exposure mug was actually purchased in a gift shop in Rosalyn, WA, where the show was actually filmed. Rob Morrow made it especially for us in a kiln, and told us lots of funny anecdotes about the cast while we waited for it to dry. A vibrant tumbler stands proud. I believe I spy Virginia Madsen skulking about back there, and the tape measure is still out and about.
That’s a Billy Idol pin and a hair tie there.
And now for everybody’s favorite TNS character: Future Interventions with Battered Women and Their Families! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! It sojourned to the opposite end of the coffee table, and is for some reason stacked atop all of our Wii games. I don’t know how or why this happened. I really feel helpless sometimes, writing this.
Wiimote, hair tie, notebooks, cup. Fire burn and cauldron…bup?
What’s on that loopy end table of ours?
Let’s see if I can post the stupid thing correctly this time.
Somehow still not quite perfect, but most definitely better. Okay, looks like we got a new L.L. Bean catalog making the rounds. The remote moved over. Looks like quite a few things were cleared off of this thing. Candy canes are still kicking around, though. Why don’t we take a closer look at those candy canes?
Gee, I’m glad we did that, aren’t you?
And now it’s time for Annie’s side of the…
…which is, of course, tidy and neatly arranged.
Yes, laugh it up, loving spouse. I’m sure that had NOTHING to do with the twelve cups you whisked into the kitchen just minutes ago. Really, you’ve done just a wonderful job maintaining your side of the bed.
Here, God help me, is my side:
A good number of new additions. The Gap bag and the Mountain Dew bottle with the stylish Reese’s Pieces box hat have flown the coop, and in their place are some library books, a McDon-Don’s cup, an empty can of the new Vitamin Water energy drink (I liked it), and some comfy white socks that were just purchased this week! And, as ever, wires up the poop-pipe. Oh wait, there’s the Mountain Dew bottle. I guess we just threw his hat out. Sorry, dude. We’ll get you a new one.
What I’m going to do now, in closing, is pull back a little from this area and give you a little quiz of sorts. Take a look at this picture:
So here’s our little bedroom shelf, which looks like it must have been a fireplace once, and is now a boarded-up cream nightmare. We put pictures and such on it, not to mention plenty of clutter, as is our wont, but there’s an object here that has no business in the bedroom, particularly just lying around on a shelf. Can anyone find that object?
That’s right: It’s a toilet paper roll. An empty, cardboard toilet paper roll. But what’s it doing on the bedroom shelf, you might logically inquire? Well, my guess is, someone (and it could easily have been either of us, I honestly don’t remember if I did this or not), after using the toilet, found themselves in the unenviable position of having to replace the toilet paper roll. To their credit, they did so, but instead of walking all the way into the kitchen to discard it properly, they simply sauntered into the bedroom, which is in far closer proximity to the bathroom, and plunked it down on the unoccupied surface closest to the door. Hence, the above picture. It’s doing its best to fit in, I’ll give it that. Not making a spectacle of itself, but not hiding, either. Just playing it cool, pretending to be a tchochtke.
Why don’t we ever have company?!?! I just don’t understand it!!!
Finally, as a recap, here’s a video overview of this week’s TNS in comparison to last week’s, edited and scored by yours truly. For Thursday Night Squalor, I’m Jeremy Stover. Stay squalid, Old Town!